When Parts Get in the Way of the Five Winning Strategies
Relational Life Therapy describes a mature kind of harmony, different from the glow of early love. It is built deliberately, through practice, and it rests on five winning strategies. They are simple to state and hard to live, because as soon as we try them, our protective parts arrive. This article walks through what each strategy asks of us, and then looks at the parts that tend to get in the way.
The five strategies
1. Advocate for yourself
Harmony deepens when we are willing to risk discord. Being truly known by a partner means being vulnerable: taking a chance, possibly being wrong, possibly provoking a negative reaction. RLT describes the stance that makes this possible as the Wise Adult, the part of us that can see the whole relationship and weigh the long-term cost of what we do and what we avoid doing. From there we can rock the boat, because we trust that disharmony can be repaired.
2. Speak to make things better
This strategy moves us from complaints to requests. A complaint looks backward and dwells on what went wrong. A request looks forward and says what we would like. RLT distinguishes three kinds of ask:
• An invitation: we will not be unhappy if the answer is no.
• A request: it matters to us, so we need to know our partner has really heard its importance. We hope for a yes but can bear a no.
• A bottom line: a no means we will need to take some action ourselves.
Whichever we are making, we are far more likely to be heard when we speak from love, with a containing boundary, in short, clear statements that use "I".
3. Listen to understand
We set our own point of view aside and get curious about what is going on for our partner. The aim is connection, not agreement on what objectively happened… most of us need many rounds of practice before listening starts to pay off. It also observes that our protective parts listen selectively. They scan for what needs defending against, or for words that let us steer the conversation back to ourselves. Staying interested in our partner, rather than in ourselves, is much of the work.
4. Respond with generosity
Here RLT asks us to think ecologically. Our culture trains us to ask "what is good for me?", but a relationship is a shared biosphere. If one partner wins and the other loses, both lose, because the loser finds a way to make the winner pay. What we pour out in anger tends to drift back to us as distance. Thinking about what is good for us is enlightened self-interest, and being as generous as we can is part of it.
RLT's image for this is relational jujitsu: ducking under our partner's jab instead of throwing one back. We disarm by leaning in with vulnerability, meeting a dysfunctional stance with a functional one.
5. Cherish what you have
When our partners feel cherished, it serves everyone. Drawing on John Gottman's research, RLT notes that healthy relationships need about five positive interactions for every negative one (gottmans suggest 20:1 in a thriving relationship!). They can survive negative moments, with repair, but they thrive on positives.
Two further ideas sit here:
• Celebrate the glass 15% full. After years of hurt, a partner who finally gets some of what they asked for may struggle to take it in. They can stay protected, or be vulnerable and let it in. If we reward what we are getting, we are more likely to get more.
• Relational reckoning. Living with another person is trying, and sometimes we wonder whether life would be better otherwise. am I getting enough of what I need to be able to grieve what I am not getting? Not all our needs will be met, and there is grief in that.. but before answering no, we need to be sure we have actually asked for what we need. if the answer is yes, cherishing is what keeps it a yes.
The parts that get in the way
Each of these strategies is something Self does naturally in relationship. Our parts do something else, often with the best of intentions. Here are a few that might be around. Identify with any of them? 🫣
A Self-like part that has read the books. This part of me knows the vocabulary. It can describe attachment styles and name the strategies, and it often sounds measured and wise, full of qualities of Self.. but it may be performing the strategies rather than living them. It tends to show up in my system in listening to understand, where it manages the conversation instead of being moved by it, and in speaking to make things better, where a perfectly phrased request can lack any real vulnerability. It deserves thanks. It is trying hard to do this well.
a rule-following part. This part turns the strategies into a checklist: make a request, listen without interrupting, appreciate three things a day. It keeps score, and here’s the extra bit .. often of the partner too. Underneath is a fear that getting it wrong means being rejected or judged. It can turn a request into a demand, and cherish what you have into a chore
A codependent, accommodating part. This part has perhaps learned that safety comes from keeping others comfortable, so it quietly sabotages advocating for yourself. It may say "I'm fine" or "it doesn't matter." It may call that generosity, but real generosity is a choice made from Self. This part may be acting from fear of the consequences of having needs.
An avoiding part. This hard working one sees the hard conversation coming and arranges to be somewhere else or changes the subject . It undermines advocating for yourself by never raising the issue at all, and speaking to make things better by letting the moment pass. It is maybe protecting you from the risk of discord that the first strategy asks us to accept.
a complaining part. It knows what is wrong and has been carrying it for a long time. It perhaps keeps us in the backward-looking stance, which is the opposite of making a request. It might be guarding a wish it does not dare state.
A dismissing part. It shrinks things: "that's not a big deal," "you're overreacting." It makes listening to understand very difficult, because compassion would mean feeling what it has been protecting us from. It is also the part that finds the 15% hard to celebrate.
A defending and self-justifying part. This is the part RLT describes when it talks about selective listening. It hears something it needs to defend against, or something that lets the conversation come back to us. It is trying to keep us safe, and it needs to know we will still be okay if we do not speak
A winning part. It wants to be right, and may want the other person to pay. It pulls against respond with generosity, because from where it stands, giving looks like losing. It often relaxes when it sees that the loss comes back round.
A striving part. It wants the relationship to be better, now, and it measures progress. It so struggles with the idea of cherishing, because being satisfied feels risky to a part that believes things only improve through effort.
A protective part that cannot take it in. When a partner finally makes the change we asked for, this part holds it at arm's length. It has been hurt before, and it is not sure it is safe to let the good thing in. It is the part that makes the glass look empty even when it is partly full.
A part that scans for what is missing. It keeps us alert to what is lacking, which is sometimes relational reckoning at work, and sometimes simply fear. It needs to know that cherishing what is here will not mean losing its watchfulness.
.. in conclusion only Self is truly relational and can use the strategies as guides, with loving intention. When a part takes up a strategy, it usually turns it into a version of what the part already does: being right, controlling the outcome, keeping safe. Self comes at them differently. From Self, we can advocate without needing to win, listen without needing to defend, give without keeping score, and cherish without bracing for loss. The strategies become guides, held with loving presence and a willingness to let go of the result.
We don’t need to push parts aside When we notice who is speaking, thank them, and ask them for a little room, Self can speak for them and take the lead.