Befriending narcissistic parts

Activation notice

This talk may activate parts of you. You're warmly invited to be here as you the you that isn't a part your Self. If learning/curious parts want to listen in, lovely. If any parts feel fearful or easily stirred, you might invite them to try a brief experiment: can they look at you and sense that you're here and you've got this? They're also welcome to snuggle close in your heart, pop on metaphorical noise-cancelling headphones, or head to a cosy inner room and rest. Their choice.

Why this talk

These are my reflections on befriending narcissistic parts. Doing so has been pivotal in my own healing: I lost my sense of Self as a small child and, through building relationships with parts, I've found myself again my voice, my boundaries and what I'd call healthy narcissism.

Sarah Ann Trivet has a thoughtful piece you may enjoy: Rethinking Narcissism An Invitation to Examine Our Own Narcissistic Parts (IFS): https://counsellingbc.com/blog/rethinking-narcissism-invitation-examine-our-own-narcissistic-parts-ifs

Diagnostic manuals define narcissism as a pattern of grandiosity, persistent need for admiration and a lack of empathy .. an inflated sense of self-importance, fantasies of success and power, entitlement, exploitative relating, arrogance, and high reactivity to criticism. There can also be vulnerability around life transitions, difficulties with attachment and dependency, and chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom.

A caution here about easy labelling. IFS is non-pathologising: all "diagnoses" can be understood as protective systems. The work may be long, the road winding, yet Self is always still there and even extreme protectors can soften in relationship. Today I'm focusing on everyday narcissism: traits many of us recognise in ourselves at times.

What I'm hoping to do

Celebrate healthy narcissism. The grounded confidence and clear pride we feel when we've genuinely done well. When we can speak for our parts, our sunshine Self gets to shine … playful, spontaneous, joyful, Self-full.

Invite shadow work and U-turns. Especially when someone else's behaviour sets off our nervous system. As Cece Sykes says, "Yes, they may be behaving that way — if only we had a magic wand but come back to you." I often use the maxim: if it's intense, it's yours. Many of us with trauma and/or long exposure to strong narcissistic parts have exquisitely tuned radar. Sometimes it's a true red flag. Sometimes it's a hypervigilant part running old stories to keep a younger one safe, or a "warrior mutiny" deflecting pain.

Chris Burris offers a great question: whatever you see or project onto the other, true or not, why does it bother you? Our culture loves a simple good/bad split and puts "narcissists" firmly in the bad camp. That can tempt us to other them and avoid our own reflection. The negative discourse makes it hard to notice and befriend our own narcissistic parts easier to blame or attack (hello, blamer managers and warrior firefighters) than to look within. The portal to the next level of freedom, though, often lies through the parts we avoid.

So: do a U-turn. When a behaviour in someone else sets you off, try a quick fire drill and see which parts in you show up. Those are golden trailheads that lead back to calm, clarity and presence so you can set boundaries where needed, reality-check old narratives about "bad things", speak for parts, and stop abandoning your inner kids. Self isn't only warmth and compassion; it's clarity, courage and confidence, too.

A note for those thinking, "That's not me"

A whole bunch of you will, I'm sure, be thinking: "I haven't got any of those traits. I do the opposite, I go out of my way to help people, I blame myself for everything, I'm selfless." I get it! There's a really good article by Sofia Vasi on IFS and activated parts that I highly recommend: https://www.sofiavasi.com/blogifsinternalfamilysystemstherapy/how-to-overcome-narcissistic-abuse. I've written a section at the end especially with you in mind.

A bit about me

(Yes, I have parts that worry you'll see me as narcissistic for saying this, lol.) I'm mindful of my own journey with an alcoholic mother who was so blended with her narcissistic parts that I rarely saw the real her. Her Self felt very hidden. Mum held the power and control; it was chaotic and, at times, dangerous. Everything revolved around her. Whatever I did or said was challenged or made wrong. My siblings and I had to go along with her rules or else — and then later we blamed and judged her.

When she was temporarily sober, in my teens, I was "invited" to Al-Anon and ACoA, 12-step programmes for friends and families of alcoholics. Parts of me resisted: "There's nothing wrong with me.. it's her. She's the bad one." Over the next few years, though, I was astonished to meet my own shadow. So much of Al-Anon, CoDA and ACoA is about doing a U-turn; it was a wonderful introduction to parts. IFS felt like a natural next step a further encouragement to look at our part in the dynamic with an addict or someone with narcissistic behaviours.

So, I'm inviting you to re-evaluate narcissism through an IFS lens. Narcissistic traits or parts can be seen as protectors standing guard, doing their best to shield us. Their intentions are good; their effects on other people, often not great.

Checking inside

Might you have a part that puffs you up a little? One that feels superior or entitled? A voice that says you're better than others, special, deserving of special treatment, or simply "right"? A bit of an "ego" part? Or, interestingly, might you have the opposite for eg a part that places you one-down, "less than"?

Do you have controlling parts that insist things be done your way? I certainly do. Any parts that fantasise about revenge or exploiting someone? Parts you label as "selfish"? Or importantly.. do you see yourself as "selfless"? Let's get to know these parts. Where do you feel them in your body? What do they want for you? What are their hopes, and their fears?

How about arrogance? An inability to apologise or take responsibility for your part in a dynamic? A part that reacts strongly to criticism? Parts with views on life transitions ie ageing, appearance, status? How is dependency and interdependency for you? What comes up as you read this? The invitation is to befriend, not banish. Let's also meet the parts that dislike these traits. We're looking for the nugget of their mission: the hope they hold for you, and the vulnerability they're trying to protect.

When we explore all this ideally with a trusted other so we can keep our Self-compassion online shining the light of Self into these "dark corners" often shows they're not so dark after all.

When I ask my own parts about their intentions.. the ones that puff me up, make me feel "special", or push me to be relentlessly selfless … I hear: We're protecting you from the worthlessness, shame and powerlessness you felt as a child. If you feel bigger and stronger, you'll feel less small. I can appreciate their good intentions. I can also see that when I speak or act from these parts (rather than for them), people get hurt and relationships suffer.

Recognising our own narcissistic parts doesn't make us bad — it makes us human. The IFS perspective invites us to approach them with curiosity and compassion: to see them as protectors and heal the exiles they're shielding.

An invitation: next time you notice a narcissistic trait in yourself or someone else, pause. Remember it may be a part trying to protect a tender place. Self-reflect with compassion and, if safe, extend some to the other so you can cultivate healthier, kinder relationships with yourself and with others.

Relational Life Therapy: the relational skill-set for what comes after the U-turn

Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy (RLT) dovetails powerfully with this IFS view of narcissistic parts and I want to give it more space here, because it's changed how I work and how I live.

Real frames relational breakdowns when we flip from our Wise/Functional Adult clear, accountable, boundaried and warm into our Adaptive Child: the survival strategies we learned in our family of origin. Those adaptive child moves are, in IFS terms, our protectors. The grandiose swing (one-up: puffed-up entitlement, control, Being Right, retaliation) and the shame-based collapse (one-down: fawning, self-erasure, withdrawal, endless over-giving) are simply two poles of the same protective system, organised around an exile who couldn't afford to be seen or perhaps modelled by a caregiver

RLT names this the Relationship Grid. Two axes: self-esteem (one-up to one-down) and boundaries (walled-off to boundaryless). The centre.. what Real calls the Centre of Health, is where both people hold equal worth, flexible limits, and mutual respect. Neither superior nor collapsed. Neither armoured nor dissolved. That maps precisely onto what IFS calls Self-led relating: clear, compassionate, boundaried, accountable.

What I love about RLT is that it doesn't stop at the inner world. It asks: once you've done the U-turn, once you've unblended from the grandiose or one-down part and returned to your Wise Adult, what do you actually do? IFS gives us the inner moves. RLT gives us the relational ones.

Real describes Five Winning Strategies: the moves that build trust, safety and intimacy over time. Advocate clearly for what you want (shifting from complaint to request). Speak to make things better, not to win. Listen to truly understand not to fix, defend, or wait for your turn. Respond with generosity, meeting conflict with curiosity rather than counter-attack. Cherish: notice and name the small things your partner does well, because gratitude is the antidote to the brain's negativity bias and defensiveness cannot survive in warmth.

These winning strategies aren't about being nice. They're about choosing mutuality over winning what Real calls moving from "you versus me" to "us". That sits beautifully alongside what IFS asks of us too: speaking for parts rather than from them, making timely repair, and holding Self-energy even when a part wants to flip into Adaptive Child.

The Adaptive Child, shame, and the legacy of growing up with narcissism

Real's concept of the Adaptive Child is worth staying with, because it helps explain something I see constantly in my practice: how growing up with someone whose narcissistic parts were large shapes our own protector system in very particular ways.

Real's framework, like IFS, roots present-day relational patterns in the family of origin. His term for what we learned to do to survive the roles, strategies, and beliefs we took on is the Adaptive Child. It's not weakness or immaturity; it was brilliant, necessary adaptation. The tragedy is that we carry it into adult relationships long after the original threat has passed.

Martha Sweezy's work in IFS adds a clarifying lens here: anxiety is often the fear of shame being seen. The narcissistic protector system is, at root, a system for ensuring shame never lands. The shame exile is kept firmly underground. What we get on the surface is the puff-up, the deflection, the rage when criticised. Knowing that makes it possible to approach these parts with something other than revulsion.

For those who became "the selfless one"

You may have a strong reaction to the idea that these traits could live in you. Many of us who lived with someone whose narcissistic protectors were large swung far to the other end of the continuum: "I'm selfless, I apologise constantly, I take all the responsibility." That was me, too. (Again, see Sofia Vasi's excellent article: https://www.sofiavasi.com/blogifsinternalfamilysystemstherapy/how-to-overcome-narcissistic-abuse.)

Your sunshine Self your joy, warmth, connectedness, creativity, courage, calm and clarity may have felt threatening to a parent or partner with strong narcissistic protectors. Their protectors distorted, projected and, to keep themselves safe, may have shamed you. Little you learned it wasn't safe to be you. Threatening the person you depended on wasn't an option.

So perhaps you took on an identity of shame or buried it so deeply you don't feel shame at all and your fabulous SWAT team moved in: people-pleasing, conflict-avoidant parts; perfectionism; anticipatory scouts; shutdown and dissociation; self-soothing via substances, activities or people. Some of these parts get so big they claim to be you. Tragically, we can end up abandoning ourselves to become who others need us to be.

In RLT terms, this is the chronic one-down/boundaryless position: feeling small, apologising for existing, hiding your needs, saying "it's fine, you decide" when you are, in fact, not fine. Exiles can form trauma bonds in this position seeking rescue from the very person who also causes pain, held by intermittent reinforcement. Managers may perfect, caretake and overachieve; become hypercritical (of self and others) to prevent further criticism; over-explain, defend and fawn to hold the relationship together. Firefighters move fast to deaden pain: dissociation, addictions, appeasing, excessive pursuit of intensity, deepening biochemical bonds.

On the Relationship Grid, those of us who became the selfless one tend to live in the one-down/boundaryless corner. We've lost both self-esteem we've collapsed our sense of worth — and we've lost boundaries, because saying no always felt too dangerous. The Adaptive Child learned: make yourself small, make yourself useful, make yourself invisible, and maybe you'll be safe.

IFS offers a path of compassion here: unblending from those caretaking and self-erasing parts, befriending them, building internal secure attachment and, over time, allowing your Self to shine again so you can make good decisions, name your needs, and set healthy limits. RLT adds the practical relational moves: advocating clearly for what you want, speaking with love and clarity rather than collapse, and choosing "us" over endless self-sacrifice.

There's often a polarisation worth naming. A loud part insists "I'm not selfish like them" while a quieter part longs for you to stand up for yourself to be appropriately Self-full. Befriend both. Many of us also need to befriend our inner critic, so it stops drowning out the parts that want you to claim space, agency and joy.

Repair: the move that changes everything

Real places enormous emphasis on repair not as a nice-to-have, but as the defining practice of a healthy relationship. Rupture is inevitable. Repair is where love is actually built.

In RLT, repair has a particular shape. It requires owning your impact, not just your intention. "I can see my words hurt you, even though that wasn't what I meant." It requires empathy before explanation. It requires a clear, simple apology when one is owed not a defensive non-apology dressed up as accountability. It requires, where relevant, a specific statement of what you'll do differently: not a promise to never be triggered again, but a concrete, do-able next step.

This maps beautifully onto what IFS asks of us in repair too. First, notice which part took the wheel. Unblend. Return to Self. Then speak from that place for the part, not from it: "A frustrated part took over. The impact wasn't okay. I'm sorry." Own what happened. Invite the other person's experience. Let repair be simple and real rather than elaborate and self-protecting.

In both models the emphasis is on receiving repair as well as giving it. Staying open when someone is trying to repair letting their accountability actually land rather than deflecting it, dismissing it, or using it as an opportunity for further grievance is a real and often overlooked skill. For those of us who spent years being gaslit or having our experience denied, letting a genuine repair in can feel threatening. A part may want to stay defended. That part deserves compassion too. Staying open doesn't mean being naive; it means trusting that repair matters and letting it do its work.

Full respect living, mutuality, and what healthy looks like

Real's phrase "full respect living" names something that can be easy to miss in the weeds of theory: that healthy relationship isn't just the absence of harm, it's the active presence of respect. For both people. Simultaneously.

In the grandiosity-shame cycle, one person's dignity routinely comes at the expense of the other's. Either the one-up person dismisses, controls or humiliates, or the one-down person erases themselves so thoroughly that their dignity has quietly left the building. Full respect living asks: are both people treated as equal in worth? Are both people's needs, limits and experiences visible and valid?

For IFS practitioners and clients, this lands differently depending on where we sit. For those of us who learned to puff up and protect: can we hold our Self-worth without needing to diminish the other? Can we be strong without being dominant? For those of us who learned to collapse: can we hold our worth without needing to disappear? Can we be warm without being boundaryless?

Both are Self-led moves. Confidence without contempt. Openness without self-abandonment. Boundaries with love. That's the centre of the grid, and it's exactly where IFS Self-leadership lives too.

Conclusion

Throughout this essay we've treated "narcissism" not as a fixed identity but as a set of protector parts puff-up grandiosity, one-down collapse, control, deflection organised around protecting shame-laden exiles. Through IFS we befriend those protectors, witness and unburden the hurt underneath, and reclaim healthy narcissism: enough glow to own our gifts, tempered by compassion and accountability. Polyvagal awareness helps us track when we've flipped into threat. Martha Sweezy's frame reminds us how often anxiety is the fear of shame being seen.

Bringing in Terry Real, we add a practical bridge back to relationship: pause, U-turn, repair. Notice which corner of the Relationship Grid you've landed in. Name what happened. Take responsibility for your impact. Set or receive limits with kindness. Practise the winning strategies advocate, speak to repair, listen to understand, respond with generosity, cherish as daily relational acts, not emergency measures.

The invitation is simple and brave: when a "narcissistic" move pops up in you or in someone you love, slow down. Ask inside who's here and what they're protecting. Let Self/Wise Adult lead. In the world outside, speak for your parts, hold firm and kind limits, repair when you miss, and choose mutuality over winning. That's how we transform shame into dignity, protection into connection, and personality defences into Self-led, respectful, loving relationship.

Further reading

Sarah Ann Trivet — Rethinking Narcissism: An Invitation to Examine Our Own Narcissistic Parts (IFS): https://counsellingbc.com/blog/rethinking-narcissism-invitation-examine-our-own-narcissistic-parts-ifs

Sofia Vasi — How to Overcome Narcissistic Abuse with IFS: https://www.sofiavasi.com/blogifsinternalfamilysystemstherapy/how-to-overcome-narcissistic-abuse

Terry Real — The New Rules of Marriage, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, I Don't Want to Talk About It, Fierce Intimacy