IFS and getting to know our Inner Critics
Martha Sweezy recently wrote about Inner Critics in Psychology Today: “Inner Critic – An IFS perspective” (https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/internal-family-systems-therapy-for-shame-and-guilt/202308/the-inner-critic-an-internal-family
), with the byline: “Inner Critics need your kindness, patience and love.” She notes that the more curiosity and kindness you offer these sub-personalities, the calmer and more responsive they become. Inner Critics are terrified that we might be unlovable; they work desperately to save us from a perpetually threatening state of shamefulness. Their aim—however clumsy—is to help us feel safe and loved. So… ask them about their good intentions.
Most Inner Critics are very young (often under 10—how old is yours?), naïve, self-sacrificing, and too earnest to grasp the irony of shaming us to prevent shame. They often copy the shaming words they heard when we were little. They intend that we feel better—yet, of course, their shaming makes us feel worse.
Working with the Inner Critic in IFS
Identify the Inner Critic (some are harsh and relentless; others are subtler, advisory, or perfectionistic).
Understand its role: why it turns up, what it fears, and who it protects.
Relate from Self: meet it with curiosity, kindness, and patience; appreciate its protective purpose; negotiate new roles.
In this talk I’ll explore Inner Critics from two perspectives—Martha Sweezy and Jay Earley—with a brief Enneagram angle at the end.
Last year we looked at Martha Sweezy’s Shame Cycle (six acts) from her excellent book. Notes and video are here: https://www.stroudtherapy.com/news/shameifs
. I find her model a powerful way to understand Inner Critics. Below is a pictorial version I sketched to help me make sense of the cycle.
The first three Acts of the Shame Cycle
1) Something bad happens.
An authority figure shames you: “What is wrong with you? You made me feel X.” The child is passive; words or actions come at you. Neglect and abuse (physical, verbal, sexual) also send the message that your exuberance, joy, anger, or needs are not welcome. It’s not just your behaviour that’s “not OK”… you are wrong, you are bad.
2) Acceptance.
The child believes it and takes in the burden as identity: “I’m worthless, unlovable, a mistake; too much; too little; evil; weak.” The judgement is accepted as truth: “I am shameful.” For a child, internalising “I’m bad” can be adaptive—the world is safe and good; it’s me that’s bad.
3) Inner Critics go large (Proactive Manager).
Self-blame takes over: “Something’s wrong with me; it’s true—I’m bad.” The critic mimics the external shamer: “You’re so [X].” It holds the child responsible and tries to improve them: “Hide your exuberance/sexuality/anger/sadness/quietness/self-agency. Make yourself smaller and you’ll belong; you’ll be loved.” This is instrumental shaming—a pro-social intent with painful effects. Now there are two parts: a shamer and a shamed one holding the burden.
Way out: Self–to–part relationship and Self-compassion. “A bad thing happened; I am not bad. I feel bad because X happened.”
How to work with your Inner Critic (IC)
As in our meditation: turn inside and find and focus. Invite the critic to relax a little to give you space. If helpful, imagine it in a comfortable room while you remain outside, simply noticing how you feel towards it. If what you feel is dislike or fear, that’s likely other parts—ask them (gently) to step back.
As soon as others make a little room, a different you becomes apparent—more expansive, relaxed, aware, grown-up. Perhaps calm, perhaps joyful. This is the Self we talk about in IFS. You are the one who notices your parts and can help them. Your job is to interrupt the old mindset by inviting an experiment: make room inside and notice you. Let the critic know: “You’re not alone; I’m here and I can help.”
If you feel inspired, meet the critic in multiple modalities—write, draw, paint, sing, or dance what you discover. The more kind, compassionate attention you offer, the more cooperation you’ll get—and everyone benefits.
Practical steps
First, ask inside whether anyone objects to you chatting with the critic.
If there’s no objection, ask whether you can enter the room with it; if there is an objection, stay outside and talk through the door.
Either way, invite the critic to pause its job and talk about why it does it: its hopes and fears, how it came into being, whose voice it echoes, and who it thinks you are now.
Another angle: Jay Earley
Jay Earley (author of Self-Therapy) offers a useful list of common critic styles (he frames parts as protectors/exiles rather than the manager/firefighter/exile trio). Many map closely to what we’ll explore next month as Anticipatory Scouts (Act 4)—parts that scan both outwards (how others see you) and inwards. Think Perfectionist, Controller, Taskmaster, Moulder, and similar roles. Identifying the style can help you tailor your questions and the new, less shaming role you’ll eventually negotiate.
UInner Critic Styles
Underminer
Tasked with eroding your self-confidence to “protect” you from the risk of failure. It tells you that you’re worthless and won’t succeed.
“Don’t even try — you’ll fail anyway.” “It’s pointless.” “Let it go; why waste time on this?”
Moulder
Wants you to blend in and keep your head down, shaping you to fit family and/or cultural values. It praises compliance and attacks divergence.
“What will people think?” “Don’t make a fool of yourself.” “Keep your head down.” “Do as you’re told.”
Destroyer
Launches direct attacks on your self-esteem, insisting you shouldn’t exist; it shames you to your core.
“You’re a mistake — you should never have been born.” “You’re one big failure.” “You’re worthless.”
Guilt-Tripper
Blames you for past actions or inactions, especially where others were hurt (deliberately or not).
“How could you?” “You’ll never forgive yourself.” “You’ll regret this.” “They will never forgive you.”
Perfectionist
Demands flawless performance with impossibly high standards, attacking anything less.
“Try harder.” “You’re not leaving it like that, are you?” “Your work is worthless.” “You’ll never do it right.”
Inner Controller
Polices impulses (e.g., sweets, alcohol, drugs, stimulants). When you slip, it piles on blame and shame.
“You did it again.” “You’ve no willpower.” “Shame on you.” “You’ll never break free.”
Taskmaster
Pushes relentless effort and uses contempt to “motivate”, often clashing with a Procrastinator part.
“Rest is for the weak.” “You’ll achieve nothing unless you start working hard.”
Conclusion: tying IFS and inner critics together
Inner critics aren’t villains to be vanquished; in IFS they’re protector parts doing the best they can with old data. When we unblend, meet them with curiosity, compassion, and appreciation, and learn their hopes and fears, they reliably soften—and often transform into wise advisers (editor, quality-assurance, boundary sentinel) rather than harsh prosecutors.
A few final threads to round out the picture:
There’s rarely just one critic. Many people have a committee (perfectionist, taskmaster, moulder, guilt-tripper, etc.), often polarised with “feel-good” firefighters (numbing, avoidance) or a counter-critic that shames the critic. Naming the system reduces shame.
Critics are usually young (often <10). Updating them on your current age, resources, and allies may help them relax: “Look at me now; I can handle this.”
Legacy and cultural critics carry family/cultural burdens (classism, ableism, racism, patriarchy, productivity culture). Treat them as inherited scripts you can renegotiate, not personal defects.
Gatekeeping & shame loops. Critics often sit at the gate to keep you from the exile’s shame. If intensity spikes, pause, resource the body (breath, feet, orienting), then return to befriend the critic before approaching the underlying pain.
Somatic tells. Tight jaw, shallow breath, clenched gut = blended critic. Use a micro-practice: Notice → Name → Appreciate → Ask
“Noticing tightness—hi, Taskmaster. Thank you for trying to protect me from failure. What are you afraid would happen if you eased by 10%?”Contracts and containment. If a critic is relentless/abusive, set an internal boundary (time-outs, containment imagery) and make a temporary contract: you’ll listen to its concerns at a set time after you’ve tended to the exile it’s guarding.
Role renegotiation. Invite new jobs that keep its positive intent but drop the harm: from “attack dog” to “kind editor,” from “destroyer” to “early-warning sensor” that flags concerns without shaming.
Safety first. If critic content edges into self-harm or you feel overwhelmed, pause parts work, ground, and seek live support (therapist, crisis lines). We don’t unburden at the expense of safety.
In short: the aim isn’t to silence the critic but to befriend and update it, so Self can lead. As trust grows, critics become discerning allies, shame eases, and you gain choice—to act from values rather than reactivity. That’s the heart of IFS: restoring Self-leadership, healing the exiles critics have been guarding, and letting every part keep its gifts without its burdens.
Enneagram—if you’re curious
The Enneagram describes nine personality types, each with core motivations, fears and habitual coping strategies. While it doesn’t name an “inner critic” the way IFS does, some types are more prone to self-criticism because of those core motives and fears. It can be a helpful lens for self-awareness, showing how your critic tends to operate; IFS then provides methods to relate to it (curiosity, compassion, unblending, and renegotiating roles). If you want a starting point, you can try widely used questionnaires (e.g., Eclectic Energies) and then explore your results with IFS in mind.
1 — The Reformer (Perfectionist)
Theme: “Worth = doing it right.”
Messages: “You should/ought to… That’s not good enough… You’re wrong.”
Protective intent: Guards against shame and criticism by pushing you towards impeccability.
2 — The Helper (Giver)
Theme: “Worth = being needed.”
Messages: “You’re selfish… Prove you’re loving… Don’t have needs of your own.”
Protective intent: Tries to prevent rejection by over-focusing you on others’ approval.
3 — The Achiever
Theme: “Worth = success and image.”
Messages: “Be the best… Don’t fail… Become whoever gets the job done.”
Protective intent: Shields against feelings of worthlessness by driving achievement and impression-management.
4 — The Individualist
Theme: “Something essential is missing in me.”
Messages: “You’re not enough… You’re different/defective… Make it meaningful and unique.”
Protective intent: Tries to avoid abandonment or invisibility by amplifying specialness and authenticity.
5 — The Investigator (Observer)
Theme: “Safety = knowledge and conserving energy.”
Messages: “Don’t speak until you’re certain… Don’t look foolish… Stay private.”
Protective intent: Prevents intrusion and incompetence by withholding, preparing, and conserving.
6 — The Loyalist
Theme: “Stay safe by anticipating danger.”
Messages: “What if…? You can’t be sure… Don’t risk it.”
Protective intent: Manages anxiety via hyper-vigilance, doubt, and seeking certainty/alliances.
7 — The Enthusiast (Adventurer)
Theme: “Avoid pain; stay free and upbeat.”
Messages: “Don’t get trapped… Keep it fun… Drop it if you’re bored.”
Protective intent: Steers away from discomfort and deprivation by chasing options and novelty.
8 — The Challenger
Theme: “Don’t be weak; stay in control.”
Messages: “Trust no one… Hit first… Vulnerability isn’t safe.”
Protective intent: Wards off betrayal and violation by armouring up and dominating.
9 — The Peacemaker
Theme: “Keep the peace; don’t make waves.”
Messages: “It’s not worth the fuss… Your needs can wait… Blend in.”
Protective intent: Avoids conflict and rupture by numbing priorities and merging with others.
IFS note: these inner-critic voices are protectors, not enemies. Meeting them with curiosity (“What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t push me this way?”) helps them soften so Self can lead.