IFS, Neurodivergence, and the Dance of the Protectors
How our inner worlds meet each other in relationships
One of the most powerful things Internal Family Systems (IFS) offers is a way of understanding what happens inside us when relationships feel hard and what happens between us when those inner worlds collide.
When we add a neurodivergence-affirming lens there’s a shift and we stop asking, “What’s wrong with me or you?” and start asking, “What’s happening - is it my wiring or defences - and how can we meet it with more clarity, compassion, and choice?”
This post explores:
IFS and parts mirroring
The Dance of the Protectors (IFS / IFIO)
Neurodivergence as wiring - hardware software and software virus’s!
The Double Empathy Problem
Why self-awareness is the beginning of relational change
With thanks to the work of Candice Christiansen, Meg Martinez-Dettamanti, Kelli Murgado-Willard, and many neurodivergent practitioners who continue to shape this field.
Neurodivergence and IFS: Clearing Up a Common Confusion
Neurodifferences such as Autism, ADHD, AuDHD, OCD, CPTSD, dyslexia, bipolar, and others are not parts in the IFS sense. They are wiring: the way your brain and nervous system process information, sensation, emotion, and relationship. Neurodivergence is part of beautiful human biodiversity, bringing unique strengths, sensitivities, and ways of being in the world.
IFS becomes especially powerful when we clearly distinguish between:
Hardware (how you are wired)
Software (how you adapted)
Viruses - in IFS terms the burdens our exiled tender ones feel ie what you absorbed from a world that didn’t always understand you
Hardware: How We’re Wired
Think of your mind like a computer system. Your hardware is your neurobiology: the built-in settings that shape how you experience life. These are not learned behaviours; they are foundational traits. Common neurodivergent hardware traits include:
Sensory differences
Heightened or reduced sensitivity to sound, light, touch, taste, smell, or movement.Alexithymia
Difficulty identifying, naming, or describing internal emotional states.Hyperfocus / Monotropism
Deep, absorbing focus on one interest or task — either as a dopamine regulation strategy or a flow state.Rejection sensitivity
Intense emotional responses to perceived criticism, disapproval, or exclusion.Empathic overload
Absorbing other people’s emotions or energy to the point of flooding or shutdown.
These are not flaws. They are simply how a nervous system operates
Problems arise not from the wiring itself, but from living in environments like families, schools, workplaces, relationships that don’t recognise or accommodate that wiring
Software: How We Adapt
Our software develops over time. In IFS terms, this is our system of protective parts so the inner strategies that help us survive, belong, and function in a world that may not be designed for us - so these in IFS terms are Managers or Firefighters:
Managers
Parts that are preemptive - they try to prevent pain before it happens:
masking, people-pleasing, perfectionism, over-analysing, hyper-logic, self-monitoring.Firefighters
Parts that react when pain breaks through:
withdrawal, shutdown, dissociation, distraction, rage, impulsive soothing, scrolling, numbing.
These parts are not the problem. They are intelligent responses to real experiences.
A gentle orienting question can help:
“Is this my wiring or is a part trying to help and protect me right now?”
Often, it’s both!
Viruses and Exiles: When the World Misunderstands
When neurodivergence is misunderstood, pathologised, or moralised, harmful messages can get internalised. In IFS terms, these act like software viruses. Messages such as
“You’re too much”
“You’re not enough”
“Try harder”
“Why can’t you just…?”
Over time, these messages burden our exiled tender parts into carrying shame, loneliness, fear, or grief about being misunderstood or excluded
IFS doesn’t aim to change your wiring. It helps you unburden the pain that never belonged to you in the first place. As exiles are witnessed and unburdened, the whole system runs with less inner conflict and more compassion, curiosity, and calm. Magic
The Double Empathy Problem
The Double Empathy Problem, coined by autistic researcher Dr Damian Milton (2012), offers a vital reframe.
When people of different neurotypes struggle to understand each other, it’s not because one side lacks empathy. It’s because both are speaking different emotional and communication languages. Empathy is not a one-way skill. It’s a two-way thing!
Example 1: Harriet (autistic) values direct, honest communication and skips small talk. Her colleague Sam (neurotypical) experiences this as abrupt or cold. Harriet experiences Sam’s chatty warmth as overwhelming or confusing. Both care. The mismatch creates friction.
Example 2: Amir (ADHD) thinks aloud and speaks quickly. His partner Ted (autistic) prefers slow, considered discussion. Amir worries he’s disengaged. Ted feels flooded. Once named, the dynamic softens: Ted asks for pauses; Amir slows his pace.
Understanding the Double Empathy Problem invites compassion on all sides. Connection deepens not despite neurodifference, but through it.
btw Emma Coyne an IFS therapist, psychologist and all round fab person, has written a fab piece on Double Empathy I highly recommend it! https://substack.com/@ifsneurodiversity/note/p-176437479?r=45u0uh&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=notes-share-action
Self-Awareness: The Beginning of Change
With this in mind, the next step is looking inward. Self-awareness is the foundation of Self-leadership and of healthier relationships.
Adapted from the work of Kelli Murgado-Willard, here are some reflective prompts I use as a starter maybe you can add to them..
Can you identify your major parts of your system? And those that get triggered in relationship?
What Managers? Firefighters?
Communication & Processing
How do you prefer to communicate: spoken, written, visual?
How do you experience and express emotions?
What helps you process conversations: summaries, pauses, written follow-ups?
Sensory Awareness
What are your sensory non-negotiables?
Which environments help you feel grounded and safe?
What signs tell others you’re blended with a part and what helps you unblend?
Identity & Burdens
Which messages about being “too much” or “not enough” have you internalised?
What social burdens (ableism, racism, classism, heteronormativity, ageism) do you carry?
The Dance of the Protectors
An IFS / IFIO view of relationships When we feel vulnerable, our protective parts step in. In relationships, these protectors don’t operate in isolation and they meet each other. This is where parts mirroring happens.
My protector reacts to your protector. Yours reacts back to mine so suddenly, we’re in a familiar loop.
In Intimacy From the Inside Out (IFIO), this is called The Dance of the Protectors. It might look like:
One person pursues, the other withdraws
One explains, the other shuts down
One criticises, the other collapses or counterattacks
Each protector is trying to prevent old pain from being touched annd often pain neither partner consciously chose.
Same and Mixed Neurotypes
Neurotype matters, but it’s never the whole story. So Mixed neurotype couples may misattune around pace, energy, communication style, or sensory needs. Same neurotype couples often feel deeply understood and can also flood or shut down together. Neither is better or worse. What matters is recognising the dance. A simple mapping together can help:
“When you do X, I do Y, then you do Z.”
This kind of shared awareness creates space to pause, unblend, and invite Self-leadership the calm, curious, compassionate presence that allows something new to emerge. RLT calls this Second Consciousness. First consciousness is acting from parts and nervous system overwhelm or underwhelm!
From Reaction to Relationship
IFS doesn’t promise perfect harmony. Neuro-affirming work doesn’t erase difference but it does offer choice. Choice to recognise when protectors are running the show and to turn toward vulnerability rather than defend against it. We can have choice to build bridges instead of rehearsing old dances.
When even one person can slow things down and lead with Self, the entire relational system can begin to settlE and where repair becomes possible and connection deepens.