February begins the foundations : the didactic starting point - our month on Parts Mirroring and the year of navigating relationships

Each month this year I’ll begin by laying out a map. Whether you come along to our experiential circles or not I’m hoping you’ll bring your curiosity into this didactic blog which offers the framework we will be using as we explore relationships through an Internal Family Systems lens, alongside IFIO, Relational Life Therapy and polyvagal theory. Different language, same nervous system reality.

A brief recap of IFS parts

In Internal Family Systems we understand that we all have an inner system made up of parts, alongside our core Self

• Protective parts whose job is to keep us safe. Some are proactive and organised, trying to prevent harm before it happens. Others are reactive, stepping in quickly when something already feels threatening.

• Tender exiles who carry vulnerability, unmet needs or old hurt from earlier experiences.

• Self, our calm, curious, compassionate presence that can hold the whole system with perspective.

None of these are problems to fix. They are all intelligent responses to what we have lived through.

Why this matters in relationships

Relationships are where our inner systems are most likely to be activated.

When two people come together, two nervous systems come together. Under stress, tiredness or emotional charge, it is far more common for protectors to meet than for Self to lead. When two sets of protectors collide, we tend to see fireworks or distance!

What changes everything is not who is right, but whether even one person can pause, unblend from their parts and allow Self to lead even a little. When that happens, the system has a chance to settle and connection becomes possible again.

You may hear different language across the models we are drawing from this year

In Relational Life Therapy, both proactive and reactive protectors are broadly grouped as the behaviours of the Adaptive Child, while exiles are understood as the Wounded Child. Self corresponds to the Wise Adult.

In polyvagal terms, Self aligns most closely with a ventral vagal state of safety, connection and curiosity. Protective parts often operate from sympathetic activation (fight flight) or dorsal vagal responses like shutdown, depending on their role. Or a combo for fix and fawn. Exiles are frequently linked with collapse or shutdown when overwhelmed.

Different maps. Same underlying physiology.

The Dance of the Protectors

In IFIO this meeting of protectors is called The Dance of the Protectors. In RLT it is known as Stance Stance Dance.

Every relationship has its own choreography. It is the rhythm we fall into when old wounds, stress or fatigue take the lead. Two protectors meet across the kitchen, in the car, or mid WhatsApp thread, and suddenly we are back in the same familiar steps.

No one plans these dances. They are not conscious choices. They are protectors doing their best to keep us safe, often colliding with someone else’s protectors doing exactly the same

Conflict is rarely about what just happened. It is about what each person’s protectors felt, believed and did next.

A familiar sequence might look like this:

Person A’s system is triggered and a protector reacts, perhaps by snapping, withdrawing, fixing or pleasing.
Person B’s nervous system responds, not to the original situation, but to how their protectors interpret A’s behaviour.
Now protectors are talking to protectors, each trying to stay safe, neither feeling truly seen.

Inside, both inner worlds light up. An inner critic might say, “You always mess this up.” A defending part might whisper, “Don’t let them hurt you again.” Both systems are flooded. Both are doing their best to avoid pain

Then the familiar infinity loop begins: attack, retreat, fixing, silence, control or collapse.

The aim is not to stop the dance.

It is to notice the rhythm, name the parts involved, and pause long enough for Self to change the tempo

in the circles we’ll be exploring this dance experientially by meditation and part mapping .. maybe even the sculpt.. if you’re local to Gloucestershire please do come along if that feels right or come online if you’re based in the UK or Ireland

I continue to do teaching videos - playful hopefully fun experiences of IFS.. this month I’m being joined by my friends/colleagues Louise Dykes and Paul Dykes. We’ll start mapping these dances of protectors. They’re accessible on Facebook Instagram and YouTube and I’ll post them on my website in this news section at the end of the month

Tomorrow’s video - something small happens. Someone does something ordinary. In this example, Lou is super “helpful”, enthusiastic and interrupting. My nervous system registers alarm, a tender exile is stirred, and a protector rushes in. The story I make up is she’s taking over, she’s too much, too big, even bit scary! Without Self present to notice, validate and slow things down, my system might then do something protective in return, perhaps withdrawing. That response could activate Lou’s system, waking her own tender parts and protectors. And just like that, the dance begins.

Throughout February we will be gently unpacking these moments. Not to assign blame, but to build awareness, compassion and choice. To understand how parts mirror each other inside and out, and how even small moments of Self-presence can shift an entire relational pattern

This is the foundation we are starting from. More to come. Next up teaching wise we’ll look at neurodifferences 🧡