Intimacy from the Inside Out (IFIO) - a few colourful diagrams

Here are a few diagrams I’ve created for my couples, to help everyone see the process they are undertaking! IFIO is quite like IFS but with considerable differences, there’s still a lot about unblending from parts… and the U turn … but then there’s a return. A lot of emphasis on the autonomic nervous system.

Hope you enjoy these diagrams…

So to start off … we need a roadmap! Starting with getting to know your goals, hopes and concerns, there’s a getting to know you process, where you can ask questions too… and we contract for me to interrupt and also for me to be a ‘parts detector’. Then we track sequences (the infinity dance of the protectors). Followed by Unblending and differentiation. We then might do some individual work in the presence of the other… and/or courageous communication. NB I haven’t included here what comes after… meaningful repair and a different outlook on the relationship. Must update my diagram at some point! Once couples get to courageous conversation and really understand and practice the process, it is often time to move on from seeing me..

Tracking Sequences:

So after we’ve met and got to know each other a little, we might spend a while doing this… we track the pattern you might often find yourself in - ‘tracking sequences’ to find out the dance of the protectors. The repetitive back and forth which is so painful.

Often it comes down to two sets of parts interacting, which can flip… but often one set of parts moves towards (insisting, demanding, controlling, yelling etc) and the other has parts that move away (withdrawing, avoiding, shutting down). These may have history.. most likely way before the relationship… usually in childhood.

The limbic system gets confused between now and back then.

Here below is a short scenario of one person who really really wants to be heard… so speaks insistently or loudly, who in the dance of the protectors above, advances towards their partner.. who in response, feels shame, wants to run… shuts down. Doesn’t listen in fact defends!

Obviously there’s the opposite to this too… the one that shuts down… how’s that working for you? It makes complete sense… but is it getting you the peace, calm, connection and closeness you might want? What if we could do it differently? Let us see…

Once we’ve found the dance then we look at the moves! Doing our own U-turns we find out how our nervous system reacts to the other’s move (that we most likely have seen before).

I’ve put lots of info about polyvagal/the autonomic nervous system and IFS on my website.https://www.stroudtherapy.com/news/polyvagalandifs and https://www.stroudtherapy.com/news/onlineresources-xpgyl-ns6zd and its well worth having an explore on the internet, there’s so much information out there. Deb Dana gives a good talk on IFS talks, https://internalfamilysystems.pt/multimedia/webinars/polyvagal-meets-ifs-talk-deb-dana and Seth Porges (son of Stephen) gives a fun, enlightening and enthusiastic talk about the polyvagal autonomic nervous system https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=br8-qebjIgs

See the traffic light diagram below (taken from the talk by Deb Dana) An invitation to please get to know where you are, moment by moment, day by day .. thriving in green with calm, curiosity openness and presence.. or surviving .. flight fight freeze feign/fawn, flop 😞

Once you recognise a part the unblending process is similar to IFS… See the Unblending Tool below.. finding the part in your body, u-turning, getting to know the part, befriending it.. connecting and validating its hopes and concerns. How to speak for the part not from it… and then we re-turn to the relationship. Where hopefully you can be heard and have some coregulation and care

We were born in relationship, harmed in relationship and we heal in relationship. We are biologically wired for connection. Our partners are our Tor-mentors … yes.. and we can help bring connection and intimacy to a relationship, by following these tools, which really might surprise you!

The following is taken from a book that I recommend: Seth Kopald’s Self Led (living a connected life with yourself and with others). Great for learning about IFS, also living a Self led life at work, in relationships and with kids. I really like it and I recommend it to clients. Seth’s Courageous Conversation guide is pretty close to the Courageous Communication tool of Toni Herbine Blank.