Understanding Self like parts in IFS therapy

 Self-like Parts… Blended for life parts… Self mirroring parts..  .  What are Self Like parts in Internal Family Systems therapy?  What is the role of Self like parts  in our systems, how do self like parts interact with our core Self?  How do we identify a self like part in IFS?  How can we work therapeutically with these self like parts?

Much of of this talk comes from Mariel Pastor’s IFS Talks conversation https://internalfamilysystems.pt/multimedia/webinars/befriending-self-parts-mariel-pastor.  It really is worth listening to!  The video from the Drop In is at the bottom, unfortunately the sound cuts in and out so its not great... I know some of you prefer listening to things rather thanreading so I've left it in.  Its totally unedited.. 

A word about Self

It’s hard to speak about Self. We’re often told about the “8 Cs”: calm, compassion, connection, curiosity, clarity, confidence, courage, and creativity (Martha Sweezy and Cece Sykes also add choice). Self is who you truly are—your most authentic core—the spaciousness, awe, peace, deep intuition, and wisdom within and around us, reflected in all our parts. Self is both you and somehow bigger than you.

What does Self do that’s so special? As Mariel Pastor says, Self invites a full house—“inviting everybody home.” Only Self can truly connect with vulnerability so deep healing can occur. Self doesn’t have an agenda, but it has a purpose: to unify, connect, restore balance and wholeness, foster transformation, unconditional welcome, and grounded authenticity. Self creates the safety and connection for exiles to know they’re no longer alone.

Important note: each part carries a spark of Self. At times parts are blended or burdened, but as distinct sub-personalities they, too, have Self. Self-like parts are often Self-filled parts—using Self-qualities with an agenda (e.g., to help other parts cope or to keep exiles at bay). However, even these beautifully intentioned parts cannot do what Self can: heal wounds at depth. SLPs are often young and lack the maturity and breadth of Self’s perspective. In IFS, Self is the agent of healing.

A brief neuro-affirming aside: there’s lively discussion about neurodivergence (many neurotypes!). Is Self the same for everyone? Some speak about an Autistic or ADHD Self. Others, including many in the ND community and Dick Schwartz, hold that while Self’s qualities are constant, their expression may look or feel different—e.g., how curiosity or connection shows up.

Defining Self-like parts (SLPs)

“Self-like part” is really a handle, a working label. As Mariel Pastor notes (and I agree), parts don’t usually like being told they’re “not really Self”. Better to ask them to name themselves.

We are not meant to be “in Self” all the time. Fear of SLPs can activate SLPs in therapists too! In practice, SLPs seem universal. The invitation is: no shame, no blame—welcome them, get to know them, and appreciate the highly functioning roles they play. When I’ve done a great job but sense my heart wasn’t fully open, I don’t disown it; I notice that parts did a good job expressing Self energy. Sometimes we don’t need to split hairs between Self and SLPs—just notice.

A practical tip: track the felt sense. When an SLP blends, we usually miss that we’re not in Self. Learn the body-feel of SLPs so you can notice when they’re strong, moderate, or relaxed.

Clues you may be with an Self like part (rather than Self)

The process doesn’t flow—the tone changes, something feels subtly missing.

The pacing is too quick/easy, or the work stalls/loops.

There’s urgency, efforting, pushing—trying to “do it right” or “fix”.

Comforting or rescuing arrives before connection.

Exiles won’t trust “Self”; protectors say “we don’t buy it.”

After an unburdening, the burden returns.

You can see yourself with a part (a “witnessing stance” that feels a bit impersonal).

Younger parts are uncooperative because they sense it isn’t core Self.

You “don’t know what to do”—could be an undisclosed part or an SLP that can’t find true clarity.

When in doubt, use the back-and-forth: “Who do you sense is here with you?” / “How old am I?” Parts often know.

Where SLPs show up (Managers, Firefighters, occasionally Exiles)
As Managers

This is where Dick Schwartz first highlighted them: caretaking/fixing parts with an agenda to help—and often to keep exiles out of mind. They look, think, and behave like Self and may even believe they are you.
Example: seeing a distressed child-part and rushing to soothe or carry them out—kind, but pre-emptive. Action arrives before attunement, which can feel impinging. We might validate, advise, and “do IFS by the book” (the Do-It-Right part ticking off Cs), but miss the felt connection. When Self is leading, there’s confidence to go off-script and truly attune.

As Firefighters

SLPs can numb, distract, or “go groovy”. Loch Kelly describes a “witness protection programme”: a spacious, impersonal witnessing that resembles Self but lacks heart warmth. Other Firefighting SLPs spiritually bypass—offering soaring states or universal truths (“Everything happens for a reason”) that change the nervous-system state without moving toward the pain. The intention is relief; the impact is avoidance.

As Exiles (less common)

Sometimes we meet a young, open, creative innocence—so refreshing that parts call it “me”. Beautiful and Self-full, yes—but the inner child isn’t the leader of the system. Vital, precious—and distinct from Self’s wider leadership.

Working with Self-like parts

As always: connect and attune.

Say hello and appreciate them. Track them in your body. Be curious, not alarmed.

Name the possibility gently: “Is there a part working hard here?” (e.g., a pleaser/caretaker).

Build trust and collaborate so they don’t have to lead. SLPs carry excellent intel about the system.

Ask:

“What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do this job right now?”

“What are you afraid would happen if you let me connect directly?”

Follow where the conversation naturally goes. Often they’ll point to who they’re protecting and when they learned the role.

Remember: the goal isn’t to “get rid” of SLPs. It’s to befriend and recalibrate the relationship so Self leads and SLPs can relax into supporting roles.


1) Therapist SLPs & the relational field
SLPs aren’t only in clients; therapists have them too (e.g., the competent fixer, the caring rescuer, the “do-IFS-by-the-book” part). Briefly naming and unblending in the moment—“I notice a part of me wants to rush and fix; I’m asking it to step back”—models Self-leadership and protects the pace/consent of the work.

2) Simple tells: Self vs Self-like

Agenda vs openness: SLPs carry a goal (speed, soothing, success). Self is unhurried and consent-led.

Head-led vs body-led: SLPs narrate; Self senses/attunes.

Selective compassion vs even warmth: SLPs may prefer certain parts; Self has room for all sides at once.

3) Consent & pacing (“two-key turn”)
For depth work, get micro-permission from both the protector (including any SLP) and the part it guards. If either key says “not yet,” you titrate—no heroics.

4) Reassigning roles (from barrier to bridge)
Once they trust you, SLPs make brilliant translators (putting things in gentler words), sentinels (noticing overwhelm), scribes (journalling insights), timekeepers, or greeters (welcoming exiles while Self leads).

5) Somatic checkpoints
Notice your own body: jaw set, forward lean, narrowed eyes, held breath often signal an SLP “in gear”. Self tends to bring soft eyes, wider peripheral vision, spontaneous breath, and a felt “roominess”.

6) Legacy & culture
Many SLPs are shaped by cultural roles (e.g., gendered caretaking, “be strong”, “don’t make a fuss”). Naming legacy burdens helps SLPs see why they formed and loosens shame.

7) Field tests after sessions
Useful questions: Did protectors feel more trust? Did any exile feel less alone? Is there a gentle afterglow rather than a performance hangover? If not, an SLP may have been leading.

8) Safety first
In truly unsafe contexts, SLPs may need to hold the reins. We don’t strip protections; we collaborate until conditions allow a handover to Self.

9) Repeating unburdenings
If a burden “comes back,” re-check: Was an SLP doing the ceremony? Slow down, rebuild trust, and let Self attune first.

10) A 60-second Self check
Pause. Look around. Feel your seat/feet. Ask: “How do I feel toward all parts here?” and “Am I in a hurry to change anything?” If there’s urgency or partiality, invite the SLP to stand beside you while Self steps forward.

Conclusion

Self-like Parts aren’t impostors to root out; they’re devoted allies who learned to perform Self when the system couldn’t safely be Self. When we befriend them, honour their history, and renegotiate their roles, they shift from gatekeepers to bridges—helping us pace, translate, and protect while Self leads the healing.

The practical arc is simple and kind: notice → appreciate → unblend → repurpose. Over time you’ll feel the qualitative difference between the performance of care and the presence of care, between soothing and true attunement, between progress by protocol and transformation by connection. With that discernment—and a lot of affection for your hard-working SLPs—your system moves from managing parts to welcoming everyone home.

References & resources

Mariel Pastor — Befriending Self-like Parts (talk):
https://internalfamilysystems.pt/multimedia/webinars/befriending-self-parts-mariel-pastor

Mariel Pastor — website and “Unburdened System” mandala:
https://www.marielpastor.com/

Alessio Rizzo — various writings on SLPs (brief but helpful to browse)

Here is the video… the sound cuts in and out, not sure why … here it is for anyone who wants to do spiral learning by listening…