IFS and Internal Polarisations
Polarisation happens when parts of us become divided and locked into conflict. It can feel like being stuck in a tug-of-war, torn between two or more deeply opposing urges or beliefs. That experience of being overwhelmed, paralysed, or caught between conflicting desires is often a sign that polarised parts are at work.
In this talk, we’ll explore what internal polarisations are, why they arise, and how we can begin to work with them in IFS therapy. We’ll look at the causes of polarisation, how to approach the inner conflicts that result, and ways to bring resolution so that your inner system feels more at peace.
The most important thing I want to emphasise is this: your system makes sense. However fierce or entrenched the conflict might feel, all of your parts are trying to help you in some way. With you at the centre, meeting these warring — and often younger — factions with compassion and curiosity, it becomes possible to understand their struggles and see the logic in their opposing strategies.
When parts realise that they are all on the same team, simply going about things in different — and sometimes oppositional — ways, there’s often a great sense of relief. That recognition opens the door to clarity.
For example: one part might drive you towards success and achievement, while another holds you back out of fear of failure. Both are likely working to protect you from the painful experience of shame, or from the belief of not being good enough. Can you see how, underneath the surface, they are serving the same purpose?
And often, the patterns we see inside ourselves echo patterns we’ve lived in our families of origin or in other important systems around us. What happens on the inside is rarely separate from what happens in relationship and community.
Here below is the talk I gave on this theme at the Stroud IFS Drop-In:
FAMILY
One of the key insights of IFS is that the dynamics among our parts often mirror the dynamics within families and groups. Just like people, parts can be friendly, indifferent, or at odds with one another. Some parts form alliances, joining forces around a particular strategy or goal, while others may fall into conflict or hierarchy.
These dynamics are not always obvious at first, but once we notice them, we can see the patterns of loyalty, rivalry, and opposition within our inner system. In the same way that family therapy looks to move relationships out of entrenched positions, IFS helps our parts step back from extremes so that harmony and balance can be restored.
At the centre of this process is Self. With Self at the helm, the atmosphere of the system softens. Self brings compassion and curiosity that ease polarisation, reduce overwhelm, and help parts discover they don’t have to carry everything on their own.
SYSTEMS
IFS is also systemic: when we work with one part, the whole system is affected. If a part begins to change its role, other parts may resist because the familiar balance is threatened. Just as in any living system, change in one place ripples out elsewhere.
Our inner systems seek balance. If one part feels it must take on an extreme role, other parts will often counter it by becoming more extreme in the opposite direction. We can also notice how external systems — our families, workplaces, and communities — often parallel and even amplify these internal dynamics.
A METAPHOR
I want to leave you with a picture: imagine sailors on a boat. If too many lean over one side, the boat tips, so others rush to the opposite side. Both groups are afraid that if they let go of their positions, the boat will capsize and everyone will drown. With no one at the helm, the struggle continues — tense, exhausting, and grim.
In IFS, our aim is to restore Self as the captain. Self can steady the wheel, reassure the crew, and help each group see the other more clearly. Once there is a trusted captain, both sides feel safer to ease their grip and come back into balance together..
What is a Polarisation?
A polarisation exists when two parts (or groups of parts) are locked in opposition. Each fears that if it lets go, the other will take over completely. As the struggle intensifies, both sides lose access to Self and dig deeper into their own strategies.
It becomes a classic power struggle: each side insists its way is the only way, dismisses the other’s perspective, and even gathers “evidence” to prove its case. Letting go feels dangerous, so the battle escalates in a vicious loop.
Polarised parts, however, are not destructive for the sake of it. They serve important functions:
They create a kind of balance, holding one another in check.
They are both trying, in very different ways, to protect vulnerable exiles.
They may also provide distraction from something even more painful underneath.
Types of Polarisations
(It helps to know the IFS categories — Managers, Firefighters, Exiles — but don’t get stuck in the labels. The patterns usually make sense as you listen to your own inner system.)
Manager–Manager Polarisation
Different Managers step forward with competing strategies. Both are protective, but one may push for action while another insists on holding back.
Example: in my own process of deciding whether to video these talks, I had Managers urging me on: “Get the information out, people will understand you, you’ll belong, you won’t be alone.” Others shouted back: “Don’t do it! You’ll be criticised. Sit down and stay safe.” Still another scolded: “Who do you think you are? You’re not good enough, look at all the mistakes.” All of them were working hard to protect me from shame. Clever, isn’t it?
Manager–Exile Polarisation
Exiles are our feeling-full, often neglected parts. Their needs for closeness and comfort can feel overwhelming to Managers, who fear vulnerability.
Example: a Manager in me wanted you to see me as articulate and strong — not vulnerable. I had to spend time with this Manager before it was willing to let me share that, underneath, I have a young part that feels scared and needy.
Exile: I’m scared and lonely. Please, someone take care of me.
Manager: Absolutely not. No one must see that weakness. I’ll build a wall.
Manager–Firefighter Polarisation
Managers and Firefighters often see each other as enemies. Managers try to keep life tightly under control; Firefighters try to blow off the pressure through numbing, raging, or distraction. The cycle can become vicious: Managers criticise, which activates Exiles, which triggers Firefighters, which alarms Managers … and round it goes.
Example: when I felt anxious about videoing, a Firefighter suggested: “A cigarette would take the edge off.” My Manager snapped: “Disgusting. Don’t you dare.” Both were trying to stop me feeling shame and fear.
Firefighter: Quick, drink, smoke, scroll, fantasise — anything but this feeling!
Manager: Appalling! Not allowed.
Firefighter–Firefighter Polarisation
Even Firefighters can fall out. One might want to lash out, another to check out.
Firefighter 1: Forget this, zone out, scroll, disappear.
Firefighter 2: No, rage at them — show who’s boss.
Firefighter–Exile Polarisation
Here the Firefighter smothers the Exile’s pain with distraction or anaesthesia. The Exile’s needs remain unmet.
Exile: Ow, I’m hurting.
Firefighter: Shhh. Here’s food, drink, fantasy. You’ll be fine.
Exile–Exile Polarisation
Even Exiles can be in conflict. Their different attachment styles or trust levels can pull in opposite directions.
Exile 1: I can’t bear being alone. Hold me, don’t let go.
Exile 2: It’s too scary to be seen. I’ll stay invisible.
Example: in myself I can feel both: the one who wants to hide quietly, and the one who longs for reassurance and connection. Both carry healthy needs for community and care — but burdened, they can pull in extreme and desperate ways.
Working with Polarisations in IFS
The goal is not to make one side “win,” but to restore balance with Self in the lead. We help polarised parts see that their tug-of-war isn’t working — and that they actually share a common purpose: protecting you.
Some ways we can do this:
Cultivate Curiosity and Compassion – Map the system. Invite the parts around an inner table. Listen carefully.
Facilitate Dialogue – Encourage each side to share its perspective. Mediate so they feel heard.
Acknowledge Positive Intentions – Appreciate the protective role behind the behaviour.
Nurture Self-Leadership – Let Self bring calm, clarity, and care.
Unburden Exiles – Over time, release the emotional weight polarised parts are protecting.
Build Collaboration – Help parts see their common ground and integrate their strengths.
A Creative Story
Sometimes, polarisation can even fuel creativity. Walt Disney famously drew on three internal voices:
The Dreamer, who imagined stories in vivid detail.
The Planner, who figured out how to make them real.
The Critic, who found flaws and sent them back for refinement.
Disney would then step back — in Self — to integrate their perspectives and decide. That is the work of IFS: not silencing parts, but helping them collaborate under trusted leadership.