Working with a buddy IFS style..
Welcome! So exciting you’re hoping to do IFS. I’m going to suggest you buddy up with someone, if you can’t work with a therapist for whatever reason, maybe you could find a friend, if you’re local to Stroud join our buddy up group… or there are possibilities on line ie someone in the IFS enthusiasts facebook group. we’re born in relationship and get hurt in relationship - and we can heal in relationship. We need community and connection - its the belief of the IFS community that its one of our cultural legacy burdens that says we can do everything on our own.
so… Get together, 2s or 3s, then take in turns. I invite you to set up some anchors to contain ie some flowers or a candle. Try some ways to move towards Self. Sing or hum together, breathe, smile, bring to mind a time you felt good. Bit of yoga or stretching and/Or https://www.heartmath.com/quick-coherence-technique/
Maybe a welcome to all parts, quietly on your own, in the company of another doing the same? Check how you feel towards them all? All those protective parts who are there to look after you? Their intentions are so good. And those little exiled ones who are looking to you now for healing. If warm and curious, compassionate and/or calm please extend that towards them all.. If you have other parts coming up, invite them just for a few minutes to relax a little, invite them to look at you and check you out. See how you feel towards them again, extend that warmth. Maybe you can ask if they have any questions, concerns or requests for this time with your buddy.
Then one person is the explorer and one/two the witness or the no-agenda’d questioner. You could all do some drawing, writing on your own first then together or start together Set a timer if that’s helpful
What modality do you want to do with your buddy? You might.. listen to an IFS Meditation from Insight timer or the Firedrill by Dick Schwartz or find an part and draw it Intuitively on paper, parts mapping, journaling, puppets, toys … or you could do interoceptive and go inside:
1. Find sensations in body and get to know them
Or 2. A trigger, something happened with another person. You can do a U- turn. Maybe explore that.
3. Turn up and say hi to everyone from self. Are you curious about one part .. that’s your trailhead. Or invite a part who wants to speak .. or a polarity
Have a go!
Here is the IFS protocol
The first three steps (find, focus, flesh out) involve helping parts to unblend.
FIND the part in, on or around the body.
Who needs your attention right now?
Where do you notice it?
FOCUS on it.
Turn your attention inside.
FLESH it out.
Can you see it? If so, how does it look?
If not, how do you experience it? What is that like?
How close are you to it?
How do you FEEL toward the part?
(Top question! Are you feeling one of the qualities of Self-energy? Curiosity, calm, clarity, connectedness, confidence, courage, creativity and compassion - also warmth, wisdom, presence, flow etc) If you’re not feeling one of these all that means is that a second part is influencing our thoughts. We ask this second part if it is willing to relax so we can talk to the target part. “If it is not willing to relax,” we ask it what it needs us to know. This process may lead us to a second (or third, fourth…) target part.
Reactive parts often need to feel heard and validated. We stay with them until they are willing to let us get to know the target part.
Once they agree, we ask, “How do you feel toward the (target) part now?”
BeFRIEND the part by finding out more about it.
The fifth step involves learning about the target part and developing a friendly relationship. This builds relationships internally (Self to part) and externally (part to friend/buddy etc). “How did it get this job?” “How effective is the job?” “If it didn’t have to do this job, what would it rather do?” “How old is it?” “How old does it think you are?” “What else does it want you to know?”
What does this part FEAR?
“What does it want for you?”
“What would happen if it stopped doing this job?”
This key question will reveal any lurking polarization:
“If I stop feeling anxious, I’m afraid the suicidal part will take over.” Or it will reveal the exile it protects.
“If I stop feeling anxious I’m afraid you’ll will feel all alone and worthless.”
You can notice the sensations in your body, how you feel - this is interoception where you get to know your body sensations… you can speak with these too! Sometimes body sensations are purely biological but sometimes parts come and use pain, vibration, heat etc to get your attention. Why did it turn up just then? What does it want to say to you?
Here are some good questions to ask parts:
What is its role, and how does it help you manage your life?
What is its relationship with other people?
What positive intent does it have for you?
How does it try to protect you?
What is it trying to protect you from?
is it happy with its job? Or would it prefer something else?
How old is it? How old does it think you are? Can you update it?
can it show you the scene it first came in?
Specifically for managers:
What would you like me to know about you?
How often are you around? What kinds of things do you say?
Are there parts of my body where you hang out?
What is your hope for me? What’s your intention?
What is your job? How are you trying to help me?
How long have you been doing this for me? When did you first come in, can you show me the scene? How old are you/how old was I? How old do you think I am now? Can I catch you up?
Do you like your job? Do you think you just have to do it?
What are you concerned would happen if you didn’t do this job? What are your fears for me?
Is there something else you’d rather be doing?
How are you feeling? Do you ever get to rest? Do you feel appreciated?
Is there anything else you’d like me to know about you right now?
Questions for Firefighters:
What would you like me to know about you?
Do other parts give you a hard time? Other people?
How are you trying to help?
What are you reacting to that makes you feel so urgent about this?
It seems very important that you respond in this extreme way. Can you say more about this?
What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do this?
When did you take on this job? What was going on back then? Can you show me the scene? How old was I/how old are you?
What might have happened then if you hadn’t taken charge?
How old do you think I am?
What else would you like me to understand about you?
How do you feel about this job? What has it cost you?
Are you protecting more than one part, or even the whole system?
If it were possible to take care of the vulnerability you’re reacting to so it wasn’t so vulnerable, would you want that?
Is there anything you’d prefer to do instead, if things felt really safe inside?
Please do end by Thanking the part for what it shared and the ways it has tried to help
You are at the centre of your system… what metaphor works for you? Are you the sunshine with your clouds as parts? The driver of the bus? The chair of the meeting? The high school band conductor? Captain of the Starship Enterprise? What works for you?
Please do be welcome at our Stroud IFS informed Drop In group. There are wonderful resources on line, great meditations, some fab books and Facebook IFS communities, groups and practice groups.
This next section is for you to use COPING STRATEGIES. They are taken from Joanne Twomblys book on IFS and Dissociation and Trauma. I highly recommend this book if you have had a traumatic start to life (or can’t remember much of your childhood). They are useful for everyone but particularly for those of us who had a tough start in life
Daily parts check in https://youtu.be/5spw9BQg30Q (Joanne suggests you use the word ‘relax’ rather than stand back)
Every morning when you wake up, first make sure that you are open to talking with your parts.
Do this by checking in on how you feel toward the collective of your parts - If you notice critical feelings, ask the part or parts holding them to relax back and let you talk with the parts.
How do I feel toward the collective?
When one or some of the Cs you're good to go. If not go to my 'just in case' bit below.
Then... Focus in on the parts, acknowledge that they are there and ask them to listen and be open to what you are telling them. Then let them know what the agenda is for the day.
When you are done, ask the parts if they have any questions, concerns, requests or anything to add.
Ie. ‘This is our schedule for the day. We’re going have breakfast I’ll go to work, have dinner, and then go to bed by xx. Does anyone inside have any questions, concerns, requests, or comments?”
This is to be done whether there is a response or not because as parts are being spoken to and they are responding, communication paths are developing.
And just in case … if you or parts of you don’t want to do this any day you also might say something honest to them like, “I’m not so interested in connecting with you, today, but Joanne believes its important and so I will for the time being. But listen anyway, this is our agenda for the day and please tell me your concerns questions and requests”
Safe Space Imagery Pick a place or a space not from your childhood. So… Where you have felt safe or would like to be able to feel safe, or a place or space that’s completely or partially made up. The goal is a positive, calm, relaxed physical state not factual accuracy. or a beach, mountain top, an island, another planet, surrounded by music, or soft blankets. Use all your senses. You can go there, or any of your parts can go there..
Coping skill: Bubble Picture that you’re surrounded by a bubble that’s got all the feelings of your safe space in it… Now, notice it’s getting bigger and smaller and smaller and bigger, and experiment with that until it’s just the right size.
Coping Skill: Container Imagery (Kluft, 1988) You can put traumatic material or parts may be amnestic for, material the parts have some information about and are afraid to work on it, and feelings or beliefs that are overwhelming. Make sure the lid is upgraded and tight! And getting more and more contained. Could be a vault, or a box etc. Always with the statement that we will work on this traumatic material when the time is right.
Coping Skill: Affect Dial (Brown and Fromm, 1986) Affect dials are basically like dimmer switches for lights or volume controls for televisions and are used for controlling the intensity of feelings. They help you to remain in control of their emotions. Joanne suggests putting a SUDs (subjective units of distress) scale on it with zero being no feelings and 10 being the strongest.
Coping Skill: Deep Dreamless Healing Sleep or Therapeutic Sleep (Kluft, 1988) This is a coping skill that is easy for many parts to learn. Deep dreamless sleep provides parts with a deep rest without nightmares, useful because so many have trouble sleeping.
“What you really want is to be dissociating better!”
— Trauma and Dissociation Informed Internal Family Systems: How to Successfully Treat C-PTSD, and Dissociative Disorders by Joanne Twombly. I highly recommend this book!
https://amzn.eu/8kVsqOG
Befriending Parts - validating statements and trust building activities
Parts love to be apologised to!
You can say things like : I’m here, I’m with you. I am here to keep you safe. You are an important part of me. I like you a lot! I love you, I care about you. I like spending time with you. We have time.
Reassuring: I have the overview of all the parts, I’m not afraid of the other parts.. I can handle this.
You can validate: that makes sense, I can see that now. that should never have happened to you. I get it, I understand. I’m so sorry you experienced that.
I can see you’re angry/scared etc.
Do tell me more about that, I’m so curious.
Inviting the parts to check you out, walk round you. Update their experience of you.
Make eye contact with them, if they’d like to do that. Get closer, slowly, if that feels ok.
You could invite the part to let you know what they would like you to do (ie hold your hand, have their hair stroked, sit on your lap) Their choice not yours! Asking the part what they’d like to be called, what pronouns
Always keep your promises to them!