Welcome! So exciting you’re hoping to do IFS. I’m going to suggest you buddy up with someone. If you can’t work with a therapist for whatever reason, maybe you could find a friend; if you’re local to Stroud, join our buddy-up group. There are possibilities online too (e.g. someone in the IFS Enthusiasts Facebook group). We’re born in relationship and get hurt in relationship — and we can heal in relationship. We need community and connection — it’s the belief of the IFS community that one of our cultural legacy burdens says we can do everything on our own.

So… get together in twos or threes, then take turns. I invite you to set up some anchors to contain (e.g. flowers or a candle). Try some ways to move towards Self. Sing or hum together, breathe, smile, bring to mind a time you felt good. A bit of yoga or stretching and/or the HeartMath Quick Coherence practice: https://www.heartmath.com/quick-coherence-technique/

Maybe a welcome to all parts, quietly on your own, in the company of another doing the same? Check how you feel towards them all — all those protective parts who are there to look after you; their intentions are so good. And those little exiled ones who are looking to you now for healing. If you feel warm, curious, compassionate and/or calm, please extend that towards them all. If other parts come up, invite them just for a few minutes to relax a little; invite them to look at you and check you out. See how you feel towards them again; extend that warmth. Maybe ask if they have any questions, concerns, or requests for this time with your buddy.

Then one person is the explorer and one/two the witness or the no-agenda questioner. You could all do some drawing/writing on your own first, then together — or start together. Set a timer if that’s helpful.

What modality do you want to do with your buddy? You might:

Listen to an IFS meditation from Insight Timer, or the Fire Drill by Dick Schwartz.
Find a part and draw it intuitively on paper; parts mapping; journalling; puppets; toys.
Or go interoceptive and turn inside:

Find sensations in the body and get to know them.
A trigger — something happened with another person. You can do a U-turn; maybe explore that.
Turn up and say hi to everyone from Self. Are you curious about one part? That’s your trailhead. Or invite a part who wants to speak — or a polarity.

Have a go!

The IFS Protocol

The first three steps (Find, Focus, Flesh out) help parts to unblend.

FIND the part (in, on, or around the body)

Who needs your attention right now?
Where do you notice it?

FOCUS on it

Turn your attention inside.

FLESH it out

Can you see it? If so, how does it look?
If not, how do you experience it? What is that like?
How close are you to it?

How do you FEEL toward the part?

(Top question!) Are you feeling one of the qualities of Self-energy—curiosity, calm, clarity, connectedness, confidence, courage, creativity, compassion—and perhaps warmth, wisdom, presence, or flow?
If not, it simply means a second part is influencing your thoughts. Ask this second part if it’s willing to relax so you can talk to the target part. If it isn’t willing, ask what it needs you to know. This may lead you to a second (or third, fourth…) target part.

Reactive parts often need to feel heard and validated. Stay with them until they’re willing to let you get to know the target part.
Once they agree, ask: “How do you feel toward the (target) part now?”

BEFRIEND the part by finding out more about it

The fifth step involves learning about the target part and developing a friendly relationship. This builds relationships internally (Self to part) and externally (part to friend/buddy, etc.).

“How did it get this job?”
“How effective is the job?”
“If it didn’t have to do this job, what would it rather do?”
“How old is it?” “How old does it think you are?”
“What else does it want you to know?”

What does this part FEAR?

“What does it want for you?”
“What would happen if it stopped doing this job?”

This key question will reveal any lurking polarisation:

“If I stop feeling anxious, I’m afraid the suicidal part will take over.”
Or it will reveal the exile it protects:
“If I stop feeling anxious, I’m afraid you’ll feel all alone and worthless.”

You can notice the sensations in your body, how you feel - this is interoception where you get to know your body sensations… you can speak with these too! Sometimes body sensations are purely biological but sometimes parts come and use pain, vibration, heat etc to get your attention. Why did it turn up just then? What does it want to say to you?

Good questions to ask parts

What is its role, and how does it help you manage your life?
What is its relationship with other people?
What positive intent does it have for you?
How does it try to protect you?
What is it trying to protect you from?
Is it happy with its job, or would it prefer something else?
How old is it? How old does it think you are? Can you update it?
Can it show you the scene when it first came in?

Specifically for Managers

What would you like me to know about you?
How often are you around? What kinds of things do you say?
Are there parts of my body where you hang out?
What is your hope for me? What’s your intention?
What is your job? How are you trying to help me?
How long have you been doing this for me? When did you first come in—can you show me the scene? How old are you/how old was I? How old do you think I am now? Can I catch you up?
Do you like your job, or do you feel you just have to do it?
What are you concerned would happen if you didn’t do this job? What are your fears for me?
Is there something else you’d rather be doing?
How are you feeling? Do you ever get to rest? Do you feel appreciated?
Is there anything else you’d like me to know about you right now?

Questions for Firefighters

What would you like me to know about you?
Do other parts give you a hard time? Other people?
How are you trying to help?
What are you reacting to that makes you feel so urgent about this?
It seems very important that you respond in this extreme way—can you say more about this?
What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do this?
When did you take on this job? What was going on back then? Can you show me the scene? How old was I/how old are you?
What might have happened then if you hadn’t taken charge?
How old do you think I am?
What else would you like me to understand about you?
How do you feel about this job? What has it cost you?
Are you protecting more than one part, or even the whole system?
If it were possible to take care of the vulnerability you’re reacting to so it wasn’t so vulnerable, would you want that?
Is there anything you’d prefer to do instead, if things felt really safe inside?

Please end by thanking the part for what it has shared and for the ways it has tried to help.

You are at the centre of your system… what metaphor works for you? Are you the sunshine with your clouds as parts? The driver of the bus? The chair of the meeting? The high school band conductor? Captain of the Starship Enterprise? What works for you?

Please if it feels right to you, come and join us at our IFS Drop In Healing Circles. There are wonderful resources on line, great meditations, some fab books and Facebook IFS communities, groups and practice groups.

Coping Strategies (from Joanne Twombly)

These strategies are drawn from Joanne Twombly’s work on IFS with dissociation and trauma. I highly recommend her book if you had a traumatic start to life (or can’t remember much of your childhood). They’re useful for everyone, but especially for those who had a tough start.

Daily parts check-in

https://youtu.be/5spw9BQg30Q
(Joanne suggests using the word “relax” rather than “stand back”.)

Every morning when you wake up, first make sure you’re open to talking with your parts.
Check how you feel towards the collective of your parts. If you notice critical feelings, ask the part(s) holding them to relax and let you talk with the others.
How do I feel toward the collective? When one or some of the C’s are present, you’re good to go. If not, go to the “just in case” bit below.
Then focus on the parts, acknowledge they’re there, and ask them to listen and be open to what you’re telling them.
Let them know the agenda for the day. When you’re done, ask if they have any questions, concerns, requests, or anything to add.
“This is our schedule for the day. We’re going to have breakfast, I’ll go to work, have dinner, and then go to bed by xx. Does anyone inside have any questions, concerns, requests, or comments?”

Do this whether there’s a response or not—speaking to parts builds communication pathways.

Just in case… If you or parts of you don’t want to do this on a given day, say something honest, e.g.:

“I’m not so interested in connecting with you today, but Joanne believes it’s important, so I will for the time being. But listen anyway—this is our agenda for the day, and please tell me your concerns, questions, and requests.”

Safe Space imagery

Pick a place or space not from your childhood—somewhere you have felt safe, would like to feel safe, or a place that’s completely or partially imagined. The goal is a positive, calm, relaxed physical state, not factual accuracy: a beach, mountain top, island, another planet, surrounded by music or soft blankets. Use all your senses. You can go there, and any of your parts can go there.

Coping skill: Bubble

Picture yourself surrounded by a bubble infused with the feelings of your safe space. Notice it getting bigger and smaller, then smaller and bigger. Experiment until it’s just the right size.

Coping skill: Container imagery (Kluft, 1988)

Use a container (vault, box, etc.) for traumatic material, material parts may be amnestic for, material they know about but are afraid to work on, and feelings/beliefs that are overwhelming. Make sure the lid is upgraded and tight—more and more contained. Always add: we will work on this material when the time is right.

Coping skill: Affect Dial (Brown & Fromm, 1986)

An affect dial is like a light dimmer or TV volume control used to modulate the intensity of feelings, helping you remain in charge of emotions. Add a SUDs scale (0 = no feeling, 10 = strongest).

Coping skill: Deep Dreamless Healing Sleep / Therapeutic Sleep (Kluft, 1988)

A simple skill many parts can learn. Deep dreamless sleep provides deep rest without nightmares, helpful as so many have trouble sleeping.

“What you really want is to be dissociating better!”
— Trauma and Dissociation Informed Internal Family Systems: How to Successfully Treat C-PTSD, and Dissociative Disorders by Joanne Twombly.
https://amzn.eu/8kVsqOG

Befriending Parts — validating statements and trust-building

Parts love to be apologised to!

You can say things like:

I’m here; I’m with you. I’m here to keep you safe. You are an important part of me. I like you a lot. I love you; I care about you. I like spending time with you. We have time.

Reassuring:

I have the overview of all the parts. I’m not afraid of the other parts. I can handle this.

Validate:

That makes sense; I can see that now. That should never have happened to you. I get it; I understand. I’m so sorry you experienced that. I can see you’re angry/scared, etc. Do tell me more about that; I’m so curious.

Invite trust:

Invite parts to check you out, walk around you, and update their experience of you.
Make eye contact if they’d like that. Get closer slowly if it feels OK.
Ask the part what they would like you to do (e.g., hold your hand, stroke their hair, sit on your lap). Their choice, not yours.
Ask what they’d like to be called, and what pronouns they prefer.

Always keep your promises to them.

Working with a buddy IFS style..