IFS Self led Boundary Setting
In this dance of life we find ourselves in, finding a healthy balance between caring for ourselves and others is essential to our well-being. I’m mainly thinking here about couples or between people we know well and love Maybe they can also apply to other relationships As always check inside and see what’s right for you!
At the heart of this balance are boundaries—those essential guidelines that shape how we interact with our loved ones and the world around us.
I’d like to look at boundaries through the Internal Family Systems (IFS) framework, holding in mind that both I and many of my clients are neurodivergent and have a trauma history. I’m aiming to look at how to navigate boundaries particularly from the perspective of AND with those on the receiving end - those of us whose trauma responses and neurodifferent minds might lead to fawning and shutting down OR denial, attack, or blame at times when we get overwhelmed (our stress buckets are just too full). In IFS terms we are blended with parts. I do love that in IFS we can see we’re a multitude. I have parts on both sides I have parts that can fawn if attacked. I also have parts that are grandiose and use DARVO as I learnt this and internalised it from my traumatised parents - also ND themselves (DARVO - deny/deflect, attack, and reverse victim offender or attacking from the victim position.)
Understanding Boundaries: An ND and trauma affirming Perspective
Boundaries are the guidelines we set for ourselves in our relationships, helping us distinguish our thoughts, emotions, and needs from those of others.
They act as an essential tool for protecting our well-being while respecting others. They are not walls and it’s possible to be loving, kind and boundaried.
These boundaries can be physical, emotional, intellectual, or time-based—each one aiming to create healthy and respectful connections. When we respect our own boundaries, we create space for meaningful interactions without losing sight of ourselves.
For many neurosparkly/ neurodifferent folk and those of us who’ve grown up in less than ideal circumstances (many of us are both), boundaries may not always come as naturally or feel as intuitive. This can be especially true for individuals with CPTSD and/or rejection sensitivity, where the fear of being misunderstood or judged can influence how boundaries are set or crossed. It’s SO important to recognise that boundaries are not about shutting others out—they’re about honouring our personal needs in a way that’s affirming of who we are and how we experience the world.
But what happens when boundaries are challenged or dismissed, especially by those who may have unresolved trauma and parts are blending quickly? When someone’s trauma responses lead to denial, attack, or blame, setting and maintaining boundaries becomes even more critical—but also more complicated. Maybe frightening too! Understanding how to protect yourself in these situations while still engaging in a healthy way is key.
Boundaries in IFS
In the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model, different parts of us play various roles. What we are aiming for is our Self (calm, clear, compassionate AND courageous and confident) who along with a helpful managers help, sets a boundary.
Our “Managers" can take charge when it comes to setting and maintaining boundaries. One of my favourite questions when I ask Inside is .. how old are you? These Managers are often young - they are our forward thinking, hardworking inner protectors, developed from past experiences. Doing the best job they can. For those of us with heightened sensitivity or different processing frameworks, these Managers may be especially vigilant, sometimes creating boundary strategies that are - in my experience, maybe a little too rigid or too lenient. While their goal is to protect, these strategies may unintentionally lead to difficulty in relationship dynamics.
we may also have reactive boundaries coming from our (also young) Firefighters These tend to be fabulously sweary. They can also be aggressive and frightening to the other . Often they put in very strong boundaries - more walls. Or they do the opposite and fawn in reaction to someone’s criticism. Just two of many responses possible
For those of us who struggle with rejection sensitivity, or whose experiences have shaped them to anticipate negative reactions, the act of setting boundaries may feel overwhelming. In addition, when we are in relationships with people whose trauma responses lead them to deny, attack, or blame, boundaries become vital tools of self-protection. These responses are not about us—they are often about the other person’s unresolved pain, but they can make it difficult to maintain a balanced dynamic.
Crafting Healthy Boundaries: A Neuro and trauma Affirming Approach with IFS
When something doesn’t feel right, pause and tune into what’s going on beneath the surface. What part of you is triggered, and why? Whether it’s a recurring issue or a one-time event, identifying the root cause can help you see where a boundary might need to be set.
Turning inside, check in with your parts. Different parts of you will likely have different feelings and thoughts. One part might feel hurt, another might want to mask or avoid conflict, and another might just want to run away. If it feels congruent might you appreciate and validate them all, one by one - even if their views seem contradictory. Like a compassionate mediator, I invite you listen to all parts of you and having heard all views invite them to trust you to find a way to express your boundary in a loving, honest way. For example:
“When you’re late to plans, parts of me feel frustrated and disrespected, but I also understand life is unpredictable. I want to find a way to respect both of our needs.”
Timing is key. Choose a calm moment to have the conversation, ideally when both of you are feeling grounded and have space for an honest dialogue. If you're neurodivergent, consider factors like sensory overload or if you start blending with parts remind yourself you might need to take mind body breaks to stay regulated.
When you speak, express your needs clearly and vulnerably without blame. For example:
“I’ve noticed that when plans shift unexpectedly, I get overstimulated, and that leaves me feeling disconnected. I really value this relationship, but I need time and structure to feel safe.”
If the other person is open to it, invite them to speak for their parts, too. If they’re unfamiliar with IFS, help them express their feelings without blame. When both sides are heard, it’s easier to find common ground.
Stay grounded in the conversation, taking turns speaking for your parts. If things get heated or overwhelming, ask for a break. It’s not about “winning”— (you can be right or you can be married 😝) it’s about finding a solution that respects both of you, remember you’re a team. You might decide on a practical boundary, like giving a 15-minute grace period before leaving if someone is often late. If the boundary isn’t respected, revisit it.
Finally, maybe you can express gratitude to each other if you come to an agreement. Thank them for their willingness to engage, especially if you’ve navigated difficult emotions. Even if the solution is still a work in progress, you’ve hopefully built more trust through the process.
And remember: not everyone is able to have this sort of conversation. If that’s the case, fall back on simpler, clearer boundaries to protect your system. I really like the clear feedback system used by Terry Real. His view is very much about giving feedback little and often.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=79bbVhkZpAg&pp=0gcJCdgAo7VqN5tD
The Art of Balance:
Healthy boundaries create a space where we can give to others without losing sight of our own needs, and receive from others without feeling overwhelmed. It’s not just about saying “no”—it’s about recognizing that we have the right to carve out space that respects both our needs and the needs of others. For those with different prediction frameworks or trauma histories, this process can be an ongoing exploration of what feels safe and nurturing.
it’s very important for me to say - Boundaries are not walls; they are bridges that connect us to both ourselves and others in healthy, respectful ways. Each of us has unique ways of seeing the world and boundaries help ensure we can navigate relationships without feeling overwhelmed or misunderstood. They are declarations of our self-worth and respect for others—tools that nurture our emotional well-being and strengthen our connections. Healthy boundaries aren’t just about protection—they’re about creating a life that feels safe, balanced, and authentically yours, even in relationships with those whose trauma responses might challenge your sense of peace.
Here’s a few IFS style boundaries that might be adapted by you or you can use if the conversation is getting heated and you notice blending of parts from either of you 🧡
“I’m noticing a part of me getting activated right now—it wants to protect, but I want to stay in Self and stay connected with you.”
(Models unbending for both and invites calm and connection. Bonus! .)“It sounds like a part of you is really hurting or protecting something tender. I want to hear it, but I need us to speak from a calmer place.”
(Affirms the others parts without collapsing into them. Suggest you only do this when you’re pretty sure you’re pretty unblended and in Self as much as possible)“There’s a part of me that feels blamed and wants to shut down. I care about you and don’t want to disconnect, so I need a little space to come back to Self.”
(Creates space without punishment. I can’t emphasise enough how a pause and a mind body break is so helpful.. nothing good comes of a parts escalation!)“I’m hearing a part of you that feels deeply misunderstood. I want to hear more, and I also need us to pause if it’s coming out as attack.”
(Balances compassion with self-respect. Yay.)“I think we might both have protectors up right now. I’d love for us to slow down or take a Mind Body Break for 20 minutes or more so we can listen from a more open place.”
(Shifts from ‘you’re doing this to me’ into were a team, I love you, we’re just going through a shared human experience.)“I’m here, and I care. I can stay in this with you, but I can’t stay right now if we’re speaking from blended protector parts.”
(Maintains relational commitment without abandoning your limits. Take a Mind Body Break and say when you’ll be back - if needed)“A part of me wants to argue back—but my Self knows that won’t help us. Can we come back to this when we’re both a bit more in a regulated place?”
(Take a mind body break - this is suggested in many couples therapy models - it really is maturity to pause, it’s not retreat. I highly recommend it ☺️.)