Befriending narcissistic parts

25 Feb

Activation notice

This talk may activate parts of you. You’re warmly invited to be here as you—the you that isn’t a part—your Self. If learning/curious parts want to listen in, lovely. If any parts feel fearful or easily stirred, you might invite them to try a brief experiment: can they look at you and sense that you’re here and you’ve got this? They’re also welcome to snuggle close in your heart, pop on metaphorical noise-cancelling headphones, or head to a cosy inner room and rest. Their choice.

A heads-up: I include some personal disclosure about difficult family circumstances. There’s a ~10-minute video of me speaking at the bottom of these notes.

Why this talk

These are my reflections on befriending narcissistic parts. Doing so has been pivotal in my own healing: I lost my sense of Self as a small child and, through building relationships with parts, I’ve found myself again—my voice, my boundaries—and what I’d call healthy narcissism.

Sarah Ann Trivet has a thoughtful piece you may enjoy: Rethinking Narcissism—An Invitation to Examine Our Own Narcissistic Parts (IFS): https://counsellingbc.com/blog/rethinking-narcissism-invitation-examine-our-own-narcissistic-parts-ifs

Diagnostic manuals define narcissism as a pattern of grandiosity, persistent need for admiration and a lack of empathy—an inflated sense of self-importance, fantasies of success/power, entitlement, exploitative relating, arrogance and high reactivity to criticism. There can also be vulnerability around life transitions, difficulties with attachment and dependency, and chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom.

I want to name a caution here about easy labelling. IFS is non-pathologising: all “diagnoses” can be understood as protective systems. The work may be long, but Self is still there, and even extreme protectors can soften in relationship. Today I’m focusing on everyday narcissism—traits many of us recognise in ourselves at times.

What I’m hoping to do

Celebrate healthy narcissism.
The grounded confidence and clear pride we feel when we’ve genuinely done well. When we can speak for our parts, our sunshine Self gets to shine—playful, spontaneous, joyful, Self-full.
Invite shadow work and U-turns.
Especially when someone else’s behaviour sets off our nervous system. As Cece Sykes says, “Yes, they may be behaving that way—if only we had a magic wand—but come back to you.” I often use the maxim, if it’s intense, it’s yours. Many of us with trauma—and/or long exposure to strong narcissistic parts—have exquisitely tuned radar. Sometimes it’s a true red flag. Sometimes it’s a hypervigilant part running old stories to keep a younger one safe, or a “warrior mutiny” deflecting pain.
Chris Burris offers a great question: whatever you see or project onto the other, true or not, why does it bother you? Our culture loves a simple good/bad split and puts “narcissists” firmly in the bad camp. That can tempt us to other them and avoid our own reflection. The negative discourse can make it hard to notice and befriend our own narcissistic parts—easier to blame or attack (hello, blamer managers and warrior firefighters) than to look within. But the portal to the next level of freedom often lies through the parts we avoid.
So: do a U-turn. When a behaviour in someone else sets you off, try a quick fire drill and see which parts in you show up. Those are golden trailheads that lead back to calm, clarity and presence—so you can set boundaries where needed, reality-check old narratives about “bad things”, speak for parts, and stop abandoning your inner kids. Self isn’t only warmth and compassion; it’s clarity, courage and confidence, too.

3. A whole bunch of you will, I’m sure, be thinking, “I haven’t got any of those traits. I do the opposite — I go out of my way to help people, I blame myself for everything, I’m selfless.” I get it! There’s a really good article by Sofia Vasi on IFS and activated parts that I highly recommend: https://www.sofiavasi.com/blogifsinternalfamilysystemstherapy/how-to-overcome-narcissistic-abuse. I’ve written a few paragraphs at the end especially with you in mind.

A bit about me (and yes, I have parts that worry you’ll see me as narcissistic for saying this, lol). I’m mindful of my own journey with an alcoholic mother who was so blended with her narcissistic parts that I rarely saw the real her. Her Self felt very hidden. Mum held the power and control; it was chaotic and, at times, dangerous. Everything revolved around her. Whatever I did or said was challenged or made wrong. My siblings and I had to go along with her rules or else… and then later we blamed and judged her.

When she was temporarily sober, in my teens, I was “invited” to Al-Anon and ACoA — 12-step programmes for friends and families of alcoholics. Parts of me resisted: “There’s nothing wrong with me — it’s her. She’s the bad one.” But over the next few years I was astonished to meet my own shadow. So much of Al-Anon, CoDA and ACoA is about doing a U-turn; it was a wonderful introduction to parts. IFS felt like a natural next step — a further encouragement to look at our part in the dynamic with an addict or someone with narcissistic behaviours.

So, I’m inviting you to re-evaluate narcissism through an IFS lens. Narcissistic traits (or parts) can be seen as protectors standing guard, doing their best to shield us. Their intentions are good; their effects on other people… often not great.

Checking inside: might you have a part that puffs you up a little? One that feels superior or entitled? A voice that says you’re better than others, special, deserving of special treatment, or simply “right”? A bit of an “ego” part? Or, interestingly, might you have the opposite — a part that places you one-down, “less than”?

Do you have controlling parts that insist things be done your way? I certainly do. Any parts that fantasise about revenge or exploiting someone? Parts you label as “selfish”? Or — importantly — do you see yourself as “selfless”? Let’s get to know these parts. Where do you feel them in your body? What do they want for you? What are their hopes — and their fears?

How about arrogance? An inability to apologise or take responsibility for your part in a dynamic? A part that reacts strongly to criticism? And what about parts with views on life transitions — ageing, appearance, status? How is dependency and interdependency for you? What comes up as you read this? The invitation is to befriend, not banish. Let’s also meet the parts that dislike these traits. We’re looking for the nugget of their mission: the hope they hold for you, and the vulnerability they’re trying to protect.

When we explore all this — ideally with a trusted other so we can keep our Self-compassion online — shining the light of Self into these “dark corners” often shows they’re not so dark after all.

When I ask my own parts about their intentions — the ones that puff me up, make me feel “special”, or push me to be relentlessly selfless — I hear: We’re protecting you from the worthlessness, shame and powerlessness you felt as a child. If you feel bigger and stronger, you’ll feel less small. I can appreciate their good intentions. And I can also see that when I speak or act from these parts (rather than for them), people can get hurt and relationships suffer.

Recognising our own narcissistic parts doesn’t make us bad — it makes us human. The IFS perspective invites us to approach them with curiosity and compassion: to see them as protectors and heal the exiles they’re shielding.

An invitation: next time you notice a narcissistic trait in yourself or someone else, pause. Remember: it may be a part trying to protect a tender place. Self-reflect with compassion — and, if safe, extend some to the other — so you can cultivate healthier, kinder relationships with yourself and with others.

A note for those saying, “That’s not me — I’m the opposite”

You may have a strong reaction to the idea that these traits could live in you. Many of us who lived with someone whose narcissistic protectors were large swung far to the other end of the continuum: “I’m selfless, I apologise constantly, I take all the responsibility.” That was me, too. (Again, see Sofia Vasi’s excellent article: https://www.sofiavasi.com/blogifsinternalfamilysystemstherapy/how-to-overcome-narcissistic-abuse.)

Let’s look at the parts shaped by living with narcissism. Your sunshine Self — your joy, warmth, connectedness, creativity, courage, calm and clarity — may have felt threatening to a parent/partner with strong narcissistic protectors. Their protectors distorted, projected and, to keep themselves safe, may have shamed you. Little you learned it wasn’t safe to be you. Threatening the person you depended on wasn’t an option.

So perhaps you took on an identity of shame — or buried it so deeply you don’t feel shame at all — and your fabulous SWAT team moved in: people-pleasing, conflict-avoidant parts; perfectionism; anticipatory scouts; shutdown/dissociation; self-soothing via substances, activities or people. Some of these parts get so big they claim to be you. Tragically, we can end up abandoning ourselves to become who others need us to be.

Exiles can form trauma bonds: seeking rescue from the very person who also causes pain, held by intermittent reinforcement.
Managers may perfect, caretake and overachieve; become hypercritical (of self and others) to prevent further criticism; over-explain, defend, and fawn to hold the relationship together — all to avoid breaking the trauma bond.
Firefighters move fast to deaden pain: dissociation, addictions, appeasing, or excessive pursuit of intensity (including love-bombing/sex), deepening biochemical bonds.

And yet there is hope. IFS offers a path of compassion: unblending, befriending, building internal secure attachment and, over time, allowing your Self to shine again — so you can make good decisions, name your needs, and set healthy boundaries.

For those of us who became “the selfless one”, there’s often a polarisation: a loud part that insists “I’m not selfish like them” while a quieter part longs for you to stand up for your needs — to be appropriately self-full. Befriend both. Many of us also need to befriend our inner critic, so it stops drowning out the parts that want you to claim space, agency and joy.

Relational Life Therapy

I wanted to add a couple of paragraphs about how Terry Real’s Relational Life Therapy (RLT) dovetails with this IFS view of narcissistic parts. Real frames relational breakdowns as swings between grandiosity and shame and invites us to shift from the Adaptive Child (the survival strategies we learned in our family of origin, ie our parts!) to the Wise/Functional Adult. (ie Self) That maps neatly onto IFS: narcissistic traits are protector parts (often managerial grandiosity or firefighting deflection) organised around shielding exiles from unbearable shame. RLT’s “relational mindfulness” is essentially a U-turn: pause, notice the part that’s up, and choose a repair move (truth without blame, boundaries with love, cherishing behaviours) rather than a protective reflex. Where IFS speaks of Self leadership, RLT speaks of the Wise Adult; both point to the same stance—clear, compassionate, boundaried, and accountable.

Real’s emphasis on mutuality and “full-respect living” also gives us concrete “return” moves after we’ve done inner work. Once we’ve unblended from grandiose or one-down parts, RLT invites standing up for yourself with love (assertiveness without aggression) and moving from “you vs me” to “us”. That sits beautifully alongside speaking for parts (not from them) and making timely repair: naming the impact, taking responsibility, and stating what you’ll do differently—while also holding firm boundaries when needed. In short, RLT supplies the relational skill-set that lets Self-led clarity become everyday behaviour.

Conclusion

Throughout this essay we’ve treated “narcissism” not as a fixed identity but as a set of protector parts—puff-up grandiosity, one-down collapse, control, deflection—organised around protecting shame-laden exiles. Through IFS we befriend those protectors, witness and unburden the hurt underneath, and reclaim healthy narcissism: enough glow to own our gifts, tempered by compassion and accountability. Polyvagal awareness helps us track when we’re flipped into threat, and Martha Sweezy’s frame reminds us how often anxiety is the fear of shame being seen. Bringing in Terry Real, we add a practical bridge back to relationship: pause, U-turn, repair. Name what happened, take responsibility, set or receive boundaries, and practise cherishing acts that build safety and trust.

The invitation is simple and brave: when a “narcissistic” move pops up in you or in someone you love, slow down. Ask inside who’s here and what they’re protecting. Let Self/Wise Adult lead. Then, in the world outside, speak for your parts, hold firm and kind boundaries, repair when you miss, and choose mutuality over winning. That’s how we transform shame into dignity, protection into connection, and personality defences into Self-led, respectful, loving relationship.

Further reading: