IFS and creative explorations - what to do when you’re between sessions or without a therapist!
This talk assumes some familiarity with IFS. If you’re newer to the model, I’d encourage you to take time to explore the basics first—the 6 Fs (Find, Focus, Flesh out, Feel toward, Befriend, and Fear) and some of the gentle questions you can ask your parts. These simple structures provide a safe container for the work, which is essential: IFS is powerful, and it needs to be held with care.
In the video, I touch on some common dilemmas, such as: Do I need to be “in Self” before I start? What happens if an exile shows up? We’ll look at the central importance of connection—whether that’s finding a practice buddy, linking into collective Self energy, or simply remembering that we don’t have to do this alone. I also highlight the role of intuition, and how you might gather anchors—rituals, objects, or practices—that help steady you when you turn inward.
From there, I’ll offer a “buffet” of creative approaches you might try when working with protective parts. Some come directly from IFS; others draw on complementary models such as Polyvagal Theory, family constellations, inner child work, or Tara Brach’s RAIN practice. As always, take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. This is your practice, your relationship with your parts.
And a quick afterthought: I entirely forgot to mention in the recording that there are excellent IFS meditations available on Insight Timer and YouTube. They can be a lovely, guided way to ease yourself into the work and support your ongoing practice.
The 6 Fs: Steps for Helping Protective Parts Differentiate from Self
(adapted from PESI materials and expanded with my own questions)
The first three steps—Find, Focus, Flesh out—are about unblending, helping us notice that a part is not the whole of us.
Step 1: FIND the part
Who needs your attention right now?
Where do you notice it—in, on, or around your body?
Step 2: FOCUS on it
Turn your attention inside.
Can you give this part your full attention, just for a moment?
Step 3: FLESH it out
Can you see it? If so, how does it look?
If you can’t see it, how do you experience it—thoughts, feelings, body sensations?
How close are you to it?
Step 4: FEEL toward the part
This question is our “Geiger counter” for Self energy: How do you feel toward this part?
If your answer is something like “curious”, “compassionate” or “calm” (one of the 8 Cs), then you’re probably relating from Self. If the answer is irritated, fearful, critical, or impatient, another part may be present. In that case, gently ask that second part if it would be willing to relax a little, so you can hear more clearly from the target part. If it won’t relax, ask what it needs you to know before you continue.
Step 5: BEFRIEND the part
Now we begin building a relationship. Ask:
How did you get this job?
How effective do you think it is?
If you didn’t have to do this job, what would you rather do?
How old are you? How old do you think I am?
Step 6: FEAR—what is it afraid of?
What would happen if you stopped doing this job?
What are you trying to protect me from?
What would you like for me?
This step often reveals polarisation (“If I stop being anxious, the suicidal part will take over”) or the exile being protected (“If I stop being anxious, Jane will feel all alone and worthless”).
Extra Questions for Different Parts
Managers
What’s your role? How do you help me manage life?
What kinds of things do you say or do?
How long have you had this job? Can you show me the scene where you first stepped in?
Do you like your job, or do you feel you have to do it?
What would happen if you stopped?
What’s your hope for me? Your fear?
Is there something else you’d rather be doing?
Firefighters
What are you reacting to that makes you feel so urgent?
What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do this?
When did you take on this role? What was happening then?
How do you feel about this job? What has it cost you?
Do other parts (or people) give you a hard time?
Are you protecting more than one part, or even the whole system?
If the vulnerability you react to could be taken care of, would you want that?
What else would you prefer to do instead, if things felt safe?
Always Close with Gratitude
Whatever emerges, end by thanking the part—for what it has shared, and for the way it has tried to help you. Even the harshest critic or most destructive behaviour began as an attempt to protect you. When we honour that intent, trust begins to build, and the system starts to soften.