Internal Family Systems - A brief IFS informed intro

So…what is Internal Family Systems – Lots of info about IFS out there on the internet, some great introductions on youtube – look out for Dick Schwartz, Derek Scott.  I’ve posted some links on my website and I update them occasionally www.stroudtherapy.com

Very simply..

Dick Schwartz and the IFS community have the view and the experience that we are multiplicitous and that’s a good thing.  I invite you to imagine that there are many little personalities inside of you who are all wanting to look after you, or who are little young ones looking for healing. 

Then there’s YOU.  It is an absolute fundamental of IFS that we each have a core Self and the Self is not broken.  Qualities of Self are the 8Cs. 

Calm, Clarity, Confidence, Courage, Creative, Connected, Curiosity, Compassion

Dick Schwartz likes alliteration… qualities also include presence, flow, wisdom, open heartedness.  Sarah Bergenfield, on the autistic Self – ND might add in regulation, ease, safety, aloneness

He also includes the P’s Patience, Persistence, perseverance, presence and playfulness

I imagine we all have a different proportion of each of the qualities accessible.  I like to say your version of Self is up to you, a) the age you are with all your capabilities and life experience and overview, in your physical body, right now…. Vs b) the seat of your consciousness, your core spiritual Self… ageless, timeless, bodyless… connected to others’ somewhere in the ether.  Dick Schwartz etal are keen to talk about the wider spirituality, where my Self connects with yours, and everyone else too. 

What we aim for is a Self to parts two way relationship…  getting to know parts from Self.  Like the sun, with the parts as clouds.   Driver of the bus.  Chair of the meeting.  Conductor of the orchestra. Captain of the space ship!

 We don’t in IFS chase Self.  Self is innate in us all and it’s a matter of unblending, asking parts to give us some space so we can be there.  

So.. IFS calls the protective parts that are proactive ‘manager’s.. who try to keep us looking good so we don’t get rejected.   Lets subgroup here…. Examples of managers include thinking, analysing, skeptical, inner critic, judge, blamer, numb as a way of life.

The parts that have taken on burdens we call exiles.  Examples of exiles include abandonment, rejection, worthless, powerless, helpless, shame.  Beliefs like I’m a mistake, unseen, unheard, I’m a failure.

The parts that react when we’re feeling hurt or vulnerable, we call those Firefighters.  The unsung heroes.  Examples include rage, fog, dissociation, scrolling, booze, drugs, fantasy, suicidal thoughts, cutting, distraction.

Parts take on roles to protect us from childhood injuries, from slights, rejections, mini and big traumas.  From feeling powerless, helpless, alone.  Our protective parts work hard for us, they have no choice but to do their behaviour right now, they have good intentions, even if their effects are difficult. 

I wanted to say a couple of words about Legacy burdens. These are those rules and burdens taken on from society, culture and our own individual families.  These are the traumas suffered in the past which have then been carried through the generations.  Related to epigenetics.  Rules, regulations of how to show up in the world, so as not to feel whatever trauma originally happened.  In legacy burdens the aftershocks continue.  Sometimes we know the story sometimes we don’t.  Ask yourself, about rules you hold about how women should be, men, whether you should be self sufficient or be in community, attitudes to money and things, perfectionism, constant improvement, being busy. 

What’s the point of IFS?  The main thing is reestablishing you, the Self, at the centre of the system. To restore trust in Self leadership.  The driver of the bus, captain of the spaceship etc.  A Self led person brings an abiding sense of curiosity acceptance and openheartedness to their relationships, inviting Self energy of others to increase.  You’re not broken. You have parts that have taken on more extreme roles from childhood injuries.  They have valiantly looked after you – blended with you – if there was a hint of an exiled feeling, they come charging in to protect you.  They have remained the age they were at the time, even if the part may have morphed a little in its activities.  You have the overview.  

Secondly its Forming Secure internal attachment, liberating parts from their extreme roles and achieve balance harmony and wholeness. Its forming a two way relationship with your protectors internally.  Love them up.  Appreciate them.  They’ve been working hard for you.  Find the polarities, listen to them, one on either side of the table.  Just like little kids, listen to one then the other, their hopes and fears.  The answer will become clear.  If not ask if there’s another part.

Thirdly, down the line its Unburdening the internal system and our cultural, societal and familial legacy burdens.   You may find that loving the protectors, the whole system will relax and chill.  Old hurts will be spontaneously lighter.  Please don’t do the final steps without support of a therapist or a deeply compassionate, holding the space buddy.  We go and help those little ones, the exiles… and help unburden the system… and become more Self led.  Following on from Mariel Pastor .. parts released from protective roles, trusting you, others will protect when needed.  Over time the person is less easily destabilised, and able to recover from challenges in general.  The inherent gifts of the parts are more available, weaving in and out consciously. 

Fourthly – Bringing more Self Energy into external systems.. into relationships, into the work place, into community… can be healing for others and the world.

How do we do IFS?      There are many meditations on Insight Timer.  I invite you to have a go. Lots on the internet about doing IFS.  You could join the local Stroud WhatsApp Buddy Up group if you’re in Stroud (be in contact!), and practice with someone else locally.  You could find an IFS or and IFS informed therapist.  There are IFS Facebook groups too to practice and learn.  I hope you’ll keep coming back to the Stroud IFS informed Drop In and practice with us.

It’s really good if you can do IFS with someone else, We really need each other.  I need you, you need me, we heal and thrive in relationship. We need to co-regulate and improve our vagal tone… together! We need to mirror and validate, and bathe in each others Self energy.  Might you find a buddy, or a therapist, its not work to be taken lightly?  If you’re doing this on your own, you might want to set up some anchors, like a candle, some lovely flowers nearby…  and have in mind people you care about and they about you, or the wider IFS community to hold the wider space, collective Self energy.

Close your eyes, or at least soften them.. turn attention inward. 

Introception not extroception.  Several different routes:

1        Settle yourself in your chair/round the campfire … say hi!  Wait!  Would anyone like your attention?  You might get a voice in your ear, you might see some images… or you might notice a body sensation, start from there

2        If you ’re triggered by something someone does or says…  focus there.  Start with a U turn if you notice a reaction to someone or something. Bring in curiosity to that reaction.. Invite the part to come and speak with you.  That’s a start!

3        Decide on a ‘trailhead’ before you start and go from there

Ask inside to whatever you’re noticing, the thought the impulse, the sensation, the feeling. … Is this my operating system, just me… or is it protecting something? 

So then.. we become curious about the F’s     Find the part, focus on it… two way relationship … who does it think you are?  Can you share some of your wonderful Self energy with it?  Make friends with it.  How do you feel towards it?   Ask it what it’s hoping to achieve for you, what it is frightened of… How old is it?  How old does it think you are?  Let it know you’re there, you have the overview.  If it feels right  - if you mean it and you want to do this work - you can say I’m sorry I haven’t been around but I’m here now.  I’d like to be trustworthy, if you’d give me the chance.

Keep checking for Self energy… How do I feel towards this part? No wrong answers… if compassionate, calm, warm then its likely you have Self energy… If theres something else, well hello to another part! Welcome. Someone else to get to know….

Settle into forming a two way relationship with each part… bringing in as much curiosity and compassion as feels congruent with you. Ask questions… listen for answers… breathe! Breathe some more.

Please stay with protectors as much as possible for a long while… if a little one comes up send it some care and compassion, and let it know you’ll be back later, would it like to come and snuggle in your heart? Can it turn down its volume and give you a little space?

Finally.. ask if anyone has any more to say? Then make sure you thank your wonderful group of protectors for their hard work, let them know you’ll be back. See if you can take your Self energy with you when you leave..

You could then maybe draw or journal what you’lve found out..